It's been a pretty nothing-doing day.

I played Counterstrike/was on the phone with Alex most of the day, I lost pathetically and was consequently made fun of. But who cares, the game is waaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyy too real, and games that focus on reality aren't even worth playing. Call me a n00b if you must, since I am, but I just like games that take the emphasis off of "get shot=dead" and more on "get shot a few times=use god powerup=RESURRECTION=get shot a few more times=run like hell using speed powerup=get hit by opponent's gun powerup=dead". Yeah, y'all get the idea.

I listened to POOR BASTARD all the way through, Died is a little mest in the middle, I probably won't reburn it though, it took forever to get all those songs together, and a little blip in the midst of the song isn't gonna change anything major.

Ugh, my earring ear is bleeding and dripping all over the place, heh. I felt a few drops on my shoulder just now and I was like, "Agh, ceiling's leaking freon or something" and then noticed the remarkable scarlet hue.

And Happy Chinese New Year all, I hope you're all enjoying the year of Yog-Soggoth......I mean, the Goat.

Because I am tired for some reason, caffeine overload.

Happyhappyjoyjoy.

I remember that time I had mono, it was in seventh grade.

I remember I was at my dad's and one day there was a storm. My mom and sister came over and sat with me. I was running a berserk fever, 106 or something, she was putting a rag on my head and I was screaming at the top of my lungs. I started hallucinating at the storm, it scared the shit out of me, I threw off the blanket, I got cold, I put it back on, it was making me sweat, over and over again. I stepped outside for a while and felt good, and then it started to rain and they were afraid of me getting pneumonia so I got dragged back inside. Plus I was cold again. I shook like I'd never thought possible, trembling from head to toe, and painfully, no less.

And when it was over, it was over. I woke up one day and it was completely gone. But I was really weak for a long time, and I lost a lot of weight, like 20 or so pounds.

POOR BASTARD is the CD based off of songs that have influenced my thought over the past six months, some of which have been posted in Tin Haven or Bad Vision. And I just burned the CD so copies for everyone.

I dunno where she is, gone I guess.

And with that, the beginning lines of a new, and soon to be famous post. There was the "dark marks" one, there was the "thank you for being there" one, there was the very cryptic one at the end of November, "I'm not at liberty to say what happened, but just know that I am really confused right now,". I sounded like a child there. And now, this...

Is anyone out there? Is there anything good at all?

Because lately it seems that even the best made tapestries have to unwind, all the metals will rust, everything is going to die even as it lives and lives after its death.

It seems like some big cosmic trick, that somethings never last..."somethings never last they tell me, sometimes lies are what we are" I wrote for no reason once, and now it's beginning to take shape.

Everything I've ever written, no matter how inconsequential at the time, has come to being, has become reality, the feeling from the song takes substance and becomes my life, not just because I am hearing the song, but that the world is affecting it all, making it all spring to being, and the subject matter in the song becomes true.

My Solution was the start of it, the feeling of cagedness, I tried to off myself once, I left it to fate. It was just after I wrote the song, I had my dad's pistol, I put it to my temple, I pulled the trigger.

And fate said, "CLICK", and no more. And since I have never thought of suicide as an alternative to ANY situation, because that is NOT the end of the road. Things didn't work out with Leigh Anne and me, and they really aren't right now, but that's no reason to make myself dead, because if I am, what can I do about the situation? What is the point in creating my death? To end pain? And then what, when the immortal soul carries on, I still live with that pain, but then, it multiplies because there is nothing that can be done for me, I am dead, and the living care not for the haunts of the dead.

So the points so far...somehow, I have known what was going to happen to me through my songs, and that suicide is no longer my option. I remember where I was going before this now...

The other songs have really come to be after that, Bitter was rewritten using the term "sunshine"; Leigh Anne referred to herself as "an undiluted ray of sunshine" thereafter, and the first lines of Bitter: "Where did my sunshine go, I think it's ever-fade". I wasn't taken aback. The others songs have come true, why shouldn't this one take substance in some manner or another? Red Flowers came true, Shut Up came true. Veil came true, and still is. All the songs have come to life to haunt me. It's like harnessing a demon, the demon takes his toll eventually.

And unfortunately, all the songs have no semblance of hope, they only portend anger and fear, sorrow and the end of a dream, of a life, of a history.

The only hope I have is in the earliest version of the song Oh Morose, because in that I was finally standing with myself, not trying to pick up the pieces of myself. And in the new one, it's about being beaten down by my devils...and it's already happened.

What the hell am I trying to say...

Is there any semblance of good, of change, of things taking a good discourse from the norm?

Because the worst is reaching a brand new low for me now, and at the same time I am numb. Why?

What happened to me, shouldn't I be sad that I can feel misery?

But I answer, there is no misery left for myself, that is not the way to go.

In a way things are better, in myself they are better, and outside they are getting worse.

The winds of change are blowing again.

And my book grows thin of these pages.

Shut up Rosie, you shall ever be wrong, plus I do not care what you say.

Everything's just so fucked.

It's weird, I'll explain it later.

Ok, I'm WAY behind. First, what the hell is poor bastard??? I HATE BEING SICK!!! Rosie & Z, I don't fit the mold- I'm in all those "classes" that Rosie hates, even the prep & popular ones to an extent because they're all my middle school friends. Not that I'm perceived to be in these groups by onlookers, but I'm there, just the same, whether I want to be or not. Yall are my real group though. Anyway, I MISS YALL!!! And where's Lily lately? I haven't gotten in my weekly bitch moment this week, and Lord only knows I need one (I'm just kidding. I'm not really a mean person Josh will even back me up on that one.) I'll see you guys later. Apparently I'll end up in the hospital if I don't go to bed RIGHT NOW. God, mono sucks.

POOR BASTARD LYRICS

Blood Brothers by Papa Roach

Watch your back because the next man is comin'
And you don't know if the next man is dumbin'
Survival of the fit is what it is
I got your back you got my back and that's the biz
Blood is rushing through my veins
I got the power
Channel the energy and with my strength I will devour
Sickening thoughts are running through my head
That's when I realized I'm glad I'm not dead

Corruption and abuse
The salesmen of our blood
For the public's craving
Existence in the dark

It's in our nature to destroy ourselves
It's in our nature to kill ourselves
It's in our nature to kill each other
It's in our nature to kill kill kill

It was a dream and then it hit me, reality struck
And now my life is all shifty and it all moves fast
Close to a buck fifty, we all stand strong
In respect to the family in the times of
Enemity, and through world of profanity
I describe my dysfunction family
Blood brothers keep it real til the end
Deeper than the thought you think, not a trend

Corruption and abuse
The salesmen of our blood
For the public's craving
Existence in the dark

It's in our nature to destroy ourselves
It's in our nature to kill ourselves
It's in our nature to kill each other
It's in our nature to kill kill kill
It's in our nature to destroy ourselves
It's in our nature to kill ourselves
It's in our nature to kill each other
It's in our nature to kill kill kill
Again and again

Corruption and abuse
The salesmen of our blood
For the public's craving
Existence in the dark

It's in our nature to destroy ourselves
It's in our nature to kill ourselves
It's in our nature to kill each other
It's in our nature to kill kill kill kill kill
Kill kill kill kill kill
Kill kill kill kill kill
Kill kill kill kill kill
Kill kill kill

It's in our nature to destroy ourselves
It's in our nature to kill ourselves
It's in our nature to kill each other
It's in our nature to kill

Pertinence: The theme song of Tin Haven, of Rosie's depression fits, and my love life. The chorus says it all, "it's in our nature to kill ourselves". First utilized in a fit of extreme anger.


Hey Jealousy by Gin Blossoms

Tell me do you think it'd be alright
If I could just crash here tonight
You see I'm in no shape for driving
Anyway I've got no place to go
And you know it might not be that bad
You were the best I ever had
If I hadn't blown the whole thing years ago
I might not be alone

Tomorrow we could drive around this town
And let the cops chase us around
The past is gone but something might be found
To take its place
Hey jealousy
Hey jealousy, hey jealousy, hey jealousy

And you can judge me not to think
And not to sleep around
And if you don't expect too much from me
You might not be let down
Cuz all I really want's to be with you
Feeling like I matter too
If I hadn't blown the whole thing years ago
I might be here with you

Tomorrow we could drive around this town
And let the cops chase us around
The past is gone but something might be found
To take its place
Hey jealousy

Tomorrow we could drive around this town
And let the cops chase us around
The past is gone but something might be found
To take its place
Hey jealousy
Hey jealousy, hey jealousy, hey jealousy

Tell me do you think it'd be alright
If I could just crash here tonight
You see I'm in no shape for driving
Anyway I got no place to go
And you know it might not be that bad
You were the best I ever had
If I hadn't blown the whole thing years ago
I might not be alone

Tomorrow we could drive around this town
And let the cops chase us around
The past is gone but something might be found
To take its place
Hey jealousy

Hey jealousy
Well she took my heart
There's only one thing I couldn't start

Pertinence: Firstly, the Blossoms put me in a good mood all the time, and secondly, the line "If I hadn't blown the whole thing years ago, I might be here with you" applied to my struggles with Leigh Anne, thinking that I was an asshole before and that's why she hated me now.


Sorrowful Farewell by Rotting Christ

Counting the time
Waiting for the crime
A loss of innocence
A faint reminiscence
I am into a light
Surrounded by the night
Their memory's been disgraced
The scene is still unchanged

I praise the song of defeat
I am the bottom, and he's the summit
A sorrowful farewell
Where does salvation, does salvation dwell?

I keep still
I'm trying to feel
The hate that's within you
I'm going to win you
I was mistaken
I was forgotten
Unbroken silence
Absolute violence

I praise the song of defeat
I am the bottom and he's the summit
A sorrowful farewell
Where does salvation, does salvation dwell?

The time is near
The message is clear
The battle will be fought
Fight now, fear not

Counting the time
Waiting for the crime
A loss of innocence
A faint reminiscence
I am into a light
Surrounded by the night
Their memory's been disgraced
The scene is still unchanged

I praise the song of defeat
I am the bottom and he's the summit
A sorrowful farewell
Where does salvation, does salvation dwell?

Pertinence: It was mostly a rocking song and I needed one badly at the time. The vocals suck ass, but they really preached to my anger. Also, the line "I am the bottom and he's the summit", probably a reference to some demon in this case, spoke to me as, "this is what you are, that is what you could be, this is how you can get there, and this is what it's going to take".

For Whom The Bell Tolls by Metallica

Make his fight on the hill in the early day
Constant chill deep inside
Shouting gun, on they run through the endless grey
On they fight, for they're right? Yes, but who's to say
For a hill men would kill, why? They do not know
Stiffened wounds test their pride
Men of five still alive through the raging glow
Gone insane from this pain that they surely know

For whom the bell tolls
Time marches on
For whom the bell tolls

Take a look to the sky just before you die
It's the last time you will
Blackened roar, massive roar fills the crumbling sky
Shattered goal fills his soul with a ruthless cry
Stranger now are his eyes to this mystery
Hears the silence so loud
Crack of dawn all is gone, except the will to be
Now they see what will be, blinded eyes to see

For whom the bell tolls
Time marches on
For whom the bell tolls

Pertinence: None, really. I picked up Ride the Lightning at the middle/end of December, and listened to it again, it reminded of the severe but serene loneliness I had when I first started listening to Metallica, so what A GREAT IDEA listening to music that depresses us. YES.


All I Want by Toad the Wet Sprocket

Nothing's so loud
As hearing when we lie
Truth is not kind
And you said neither am I
And the air outside so soft
Is saying everything
Everything

All I want is to feel this way
To be this close, to feel the same
All I want is to feel this way
The evening speaks, I feel insane

Nothing so cold
As closing hard when all we need is
To free this hole
But we wouldn't be that brave I know

And the air outside so soft
Confessing everything
Everything

All I want is to feel this way
To be this close, to feel the same
All I want is to feel this way
The evening speaks, I feel insane

And it won't matter now
Whatever happens will be
For the air speaks of all we'll never be
You won't trouble me

All I want is to feel this way
To be this close, to feel the same
All I want is to feel this way
The evening speaks I feel insane
To feel so close
Let it take me in
Let it hold me so
I can feel insane

Pertinence: One of the few songs I think as beautiful, this song. It's haunting. I listened to it a long time ago, picked it up again in mid-December. And "You won't trouble me" was my favorite line when I started listening to it again, guess why...


Hold Me Down by Gin Blossoms

So I guess I must have just been dreaming
When I thought I heard myself say no
Anyway it looks like no one heard me
So here I go
Cause when you're in the company of strangers
Or just the strangers you call friends
You know before you start just how it's
Going to end

When the doors swing open
And all the drinks are passed around
Anytime the pickins look too easy
Hold me down

I can't remember why I like this feeling
When it only seems to let me down
Soon I find I'm searching for the exit
From the ground
If I think the room is turning faster
Then I think the music is too loud
By then I've lived another broken story
To let me down

When those doors swing open
And all the drinks are passed around
When half the party moves into the bathroom
Hold me down
Or if you're at the tail end of the evening
And Dr. Feelgood comes around
Anytime the pickins look too easy
Hold me down

Down if I want that part
Down if I've gone too far

Well I guess I must have just been reeling
When I felt myself begin to fall
I realize I'm bounding down the hallways
And off the walls
If my bed was standing in the corner
I could just fall into it right now
And know that I'd just be staring at the ceiling
Going round

When those doors swing open
And all the drinks are passed around
Anytime the pickins look too easy
Hold me down

Down if I want that part
Down if I've gone too far

Pertinence: It's a happy song about drinking and partying. That's why it's so great. Picked up about the end of November, along with Lost Horizons and Until I Fall Away.


Poem by Taproot

Overbearing panic attack
Entrenching my veins
In an hour I'll be ok
And pray this pain will go away
Permanently someday

I've seen more than
I should have to
I've seen this on my own

This song is a poem to myself
It helps me to live
In case of fire
Break the glass
And move on into your own
Your own

Reoccuring drowning effect
Entrench my brain
I hope you'll be ok someday
So I can say
That you moved on in the right way

We've seen this and
We've breathed this and
We've lived this on our own

This song is a poem to myself
It helps me to live
In case of fire
Break the glass
And move on into your own
This song is a poem to myself
It helps me to live
In case of fire
Break the glass
And move on into your own
Your own, your own

Break

This song is a poem to myself
It helps me to live
In case of fire
Break the glass
And move on into your own
This song is a poem to myself
It helps me to live
In case of fire
Break the glass
And move on into your own
Your own, your own, your own

Pertinence: Well, their "pain" sounds pop-theme inspired, and that's how I always felt mine was, just drawing off things I've seen. And that's why I connected with this song. Picked up at the first of January.


Died by Alice in Chains

I could climb until I reached where angels reside
Ask around to find out where the junkie apply
You just up and left me on this rock all alone
It's my fault for knowing not what I should have known

Oh, my heart is tired of beating slow
It's been deflating since you

Died
Died
You died
You died

I could drop until I touched a sinister side
Visit all attractions slipping back at a slide
Still you leave me rotting on this rock all alone
It's my fault for knowing not what I should have known

Oh, my heart is tired of beating slow
It's been deflating since you

Died
Died
You died
You died

Oh, my heart is tired of beating slow
It's been deflating since you

Died
Died
You died
You died
Died
Died
You died
You died

I could climb until I reached where angel reside
I could drop until I touched a sinister side

Oh, my heart is tired of beating slow
It's been deflating since you

Died
Died
You died
You died
Died
Died
You died
You died

Pertinence: It's a cool song, it was the anthem of my headbangage at the beginning of August when all the weird stuff was happening. That was when the depresion first started, I think, and this song made it worse, but I listened to it anyway. And now's it just hardcore


Lost Horizons by Gin Blossoms

The last horizons I can see
Are filled with bars and factories
And in them all we fight to stay awake

I'd drink enough of anything
To make this world look new again
I'm drunk drunk drunk in the gardens and the graves

She had nothing left to say
So she said she loved me
And I stood there grateful for the lie

I'd drink enough of anything
To make this world look new again
I'm drunk drunk drunk in the gardens and the graves

Turns summer trees to bones and ice
Turn insect songs against the night
With words we build and words we break
I'm drunk drunk drunk in the gardens and the graves

Maybe I could use you
To reassure myself
I wouldn't wish this indecision
On anybody else
I'd drink enough of anything
To make this world look new
And when the sin smiles
How can it be wrong

The last horizons I can see
Are now resigned to memories
I never thought I'd still be here today

I'd drink enough of anything
To make myself look new again
I'm drunk drunk drunk in the gardens and the graves

Pertinence: Picked up the day before Thanksgiving, I was sitting there listening to this, driving by the Capitol park, and thinking, "what the hell am I doing to myself", whereafter things worked out. I credit this song with the inspiration to say all the right things.


Until I Fall Away by Gin Blossoms

I wanna tell if I am or I am not myself
It's hard to know how far or if at all to go
I've waited far too long for something I forgot was wrong

I don't know all the answers
Things that I'll find
Won't have it within the time
But it's all that I'll have in mind

Until I fall away
That won't keep us waiting long
Until I fall away
I don't know what to do anymore
Until I fall away

My fear, pretend, that I'll never be in love again
It's real to me, but not like these fools and not like this scene
I won't find, or have it within the time

If it's all rusted and fade in the spot where we fell
Where I thought I'd left behind
And it's loose now but we could try

Until I fall away
That won't keep us waiting long
Until I fall away
I don't know what to do anymore
Until I fall away

When there's no good answer
To those new questions
Another personal disaster
There's nowhere to go but down

Until I fall away
That won't keep us waiting long
Until I fall away
I don't know what to do anymore
Until I fall away...

Pertinence: UMMMM. Read the song again, please? Manic depressive central, holding on to a dream that's fading. Picked up at the same time as Lost Horizons and Hey Jealousy, I actually did an acoustic cover of this song that turned out pretty good. The only song that ever puts my depression in words.


Chemical Tribe by Jerry Cantrell

If I live so long
To see 'em droppin' bombs
Rather have you near
Check out what comes after here
Ah here
What comes after here

Generation turned a chemical tribe
Don't really care if we live or die
Generation turned a chemical tribe
It's a lie and it's no surprise, die

Let the black odds roll
Why we can't tell
Crawl inside
Rolling over, is this hell?
Is this hell?

Generation turned a chemical tribe
Don't really care if we live or die
Generation turned a chemical tribe
It's a lie I can tell you why

No last supper rite
Bitchslapped 'fore you reached the table
Born in ending times
Leaning more toward Cain than Able
No last supper rite
Bitchslapped 'fore you reach the table
Born in ending times
Possibly more truth than fable

Generation turned a chemical tribe
Generation turned a chemical tribe
Generation turned a chemical tribe
Generation turned a chemical tribe
It's alive, so say goodbye

No last supper rite
Bitchslapped 'fore you reached the table
Born in ending times
Leaning more toward Cain than Able
No last supper rite
Bitchslapped 'fore you reach the table
Born in ending times
Possibly more truth than fable
No last supper rite
Bitchslapped 'fore you reached the table
Born in ending times
Leaning more toward Cain than Able

Bitchslapped 'fore you reach the table
Could it be more truth than fable?

Pertinence: It's a really scary song. I was listening to it in those dark endless days in October or so, when we all went to Firehouse that one time, that was about when I was listening to it. And it was killing me because it made me feel like dying, and got me really afraid for some reason, but I could never put it down. And now it just sounds cool.


Dam That River by Alice in Chains

I clothed you in the canyon
I drowned you in the lake
You would think that I would tremble
Only thing I'd not embrace

Oh you couldn't dam that river
And maybe I don't give a damn anyway
So you couldn't dam that river
And it washed me so far away

I pushed and then you stumbled
I kicked you in the face
You stared at me so humble
Got to keep that killing pace

Oh you couldn't dam that river
And maybe I don't give a damn anyway
So you couldn't dam that river
And it washed me so far away

I burned the place around you
I hit you with a rake
You piss upon my candle
So proving you're a fake

Oh you couldn't dam that river
And maybe I don't give a damn anyway
So you couldn't dam that river
And it washed me so far away

Pertinence: A hard hitting song, it came to me at the midst of August when I started having problems with my parents. There's nothing like listening to this song and kicking your door in, which I did. Plus, the line "You piss upon my candle"...wonder where I got it from now?


Mrs. Rita by Gin Blossoms

I can see it in her letters
On the paper with her pen
Her response is getting stranger
Think she's coming 'round again
So tell me Mrs. Rita
What's it say in my tarot
Read my palm and tell me
Why do lovers come and go

Is she comin' 'round for me once again
Around, or was that the end and
I just hope she's coming 'round again

Well I've been keeping myself busy
With my books and with my tapes
And everyday's much better
Since I've slowed my drinking pace
There's no swimmin' in the bottle
It's just someplace we all drown
And I lost myself in sorrow
I lost my confidence in doubt

Is she comin' 'round for me once again
Around, or was that the end and
I just hope she's comin' 'round again

Get in the car and drive to town
Down the block and back around
Pretending that she's there with me, we drive
Gone forever

Well my patience keeps me plaintive
My high hopes keep me alone
My lover's will is shakin'
I wish she would just come home
So tell me Mrs. Rita
What's it say in my tarot
Read my palm and tell me
Why do lovers come and go

Is she comin' 'round for me once again
Around, or was that the end and
I just hope she's comin' 'round again
Is she comin' 'round for me once again
Around, or was that the end and
I just hope she's comin' 'round again

I just hope she's comin' 'round
I just hope she's comin' 'round
I just hope she's comin' 'round
I just hope she's comin' 'round
I just hope she's comin' 'round
I just hope she's comin' 'round
I just hope she's comin' 'round

Pertinence: When I started to figure out, "hey, I dunno what it's like to love someone like this", this song came into play. Me wondering if I was doing anything right, and starting in on the depression again, looking for an answer when there isn't one.


I'm With You by Avril Lavigne

I'm standing on a bridge
I'm waitin' in the dark
I thought that you'd be here by now
There's nothing but the rain
No footsteps on the ground
I'm listening but there's no sound

Isn't anyone tryin' to find me
Won't somebody come take me home

It's a damn cold night
Trying to figure out this life
Won't you take me by the hand
Take me somewhere new
I dont know who you are
But I
I'm with you

I'm looking for a place
Searching for a face
Is anybody here I know
Cuz nothing's going right
And everything's a mess
And no one likes to be alone

Isn't anyone tryin' to find me
Won't somebody come take me home

It's a damn cold night
Trying to figure out this life
Won't you take me by the hand
Take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are
But I
I'm with you

Oh, why is everything so confusing
Maybe I'm just out of my mind
Yea, yea, yea, yea, yeah

It's a damn cold night
Trying to figure out this life
Won't you take me by the hand
Take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are
But I
I'm with you, I'm with you

Take me by the hand
Take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are
But I
I'm with you, I'm with you

Take me by the hand
Take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are
But I
I'm with you, I'm with you, I'm with you

Pertinence: It's just a really peaceful song, the first time I heard it, it got stuck in my head. Yeah yeah, she's a poser, but the song is still nice. And I said it was going to go somewhere, I had a lot of space left over, so I stuck it in. Picked up about three days ago from this post.


Got Me Wrong by Alice in Chains

Yeah, it goes away
All of this and more of nothing in my life
No color clay
Individuality not safe

As of now I think you've got me wrong
So I'm sure you run from something strong

I can't let go
Threadbare tapestry unwinding slow
Feel a tortured brain
Show your belly like you want me to

As of now I bet you got me wrong
So I'm sure we reach for something strong
I haven't felt like this in so long
Wrong, innocence too far gone from love
That don't last forever
Something's gotta turn out right

You, sugar taste
Sweetness doesn't often touch my face
Stay if you please
You may not be here when I leave

As of now I think you got me wrong
So I'm sure we reach for something strong
I haven't felt like this in so long
Wrong, innocence too far gone from love
Strong, I haven't felt like this in so long
Wrong, innocence too far gone from love
That don't last forever
Something's gotta turn out right

Pertinence: Well, this song is about me, I think. "You've got me wrong", I think I was really misunderstood during the "bleeding months", like why I was killing myself over shit that was well within my control. And "reach for something strong", find another thing to solve my problems, like talking to others about it, to find that ultimate "answer". "I can't let go"...:Individuality not safe". A good summary of my changing personality during the last six months.

Happy Happy Joy Joy by Wax

Happy happy joy joy...

Hello boys and girls, this is your old pal Stinky Whizzleteets, and this is a song about a whale!
No! This is a song about being happy!
That's right! It's the "Happy Happy Joy Joy" song.

Happy happy joy joy
Happy happy joy joy
Happy happy joy joy
Happy happy joy joy
Happy happy joy joy
Happy happy joy joy
Happy happy joy joy joy

Happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy joy
Joy
Happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy joy
Joy

I don't think you're happy enough
I'll teach you to be happy
And I'll teach your grandma to suck eggs
Now, boys and girls
Let's try again

You are granted that we're all liars
The little critters of nature
They don't know that they're ugly
That's very funny

Happy happy joy joy
Happy happy joy joy
Happy happy joy joy
Happy happy joy joy
Happy happy joy joy
Happy happy joy joy
Happy happy joy joy joy

JOY
Hey hey hey

Happy
Joy
Happy
Joy
Happy
Joy

You are granted that we're all liars
The little critters of nature
They don't know that they're ugly
That's very funny

Happy
Joy
Happy, joy, happy
Joy

Like a fly marrying a bumblebee
I told you to shoot but you wouldn't believe me
Why didn't you believe me?
WHY?
Why didn't you believe me?
AUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH

Pertinence: This is mostly for Kenzie, it's the funniest song ever. We were both sorta depressed and talking about cartoons, and I mentioned I had this CD with Happy Happy Joy Joy on it. So I went and got it, and listened to it...GOD. The end is the best part, the little "AUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH" is quite possibly the greatest part of any song, ever. We listened to it about 130495243750475294 times and were feeling much better after it. Picked up at the midst of January.


My Solution by Stranglebox

Asylum was the answer
The opened doors and let me in
And told me time was not unmaking
They told me I could finally win
I seek now retribution
Raised my eyes and then I saw
The steel and lonesome of my prison
Bang my head against the stone cold floor

Now that there is no good escape
Now that there's nothing more than just walking far away
Now that there is no level plane
My solution, sell my soul to the end and fade me away

Silence now my reason
I sat alone inside myself
I gave the all that I had in me
They stole my life and gave me hell
Addiction was the cancer
And God, the price I paid
And slowly dying I surrendered
My poisoned soul as it fades to gray

Now that there is no good escape
Now that there's nothing more than just walking far away
Now that there is no level plane
My solution, sell my soul to the end and fade me away, yeah

Now that there is no good escape
Now that there's nothing more than just walking far away
Now that there is no level plane
My solution, sell my soul to the end and fade me away

Now that there is no good escape
Now that there's nothing more than just walking far away
Now that I've laid my life to waste
My solution, sell my soul to the end and fade me away
My solution, I'm gonna find out the only way to escape
And my solution, that I break free from the cage

Pertinence: Well, one part of the story is, I wrote it. And the other part is, it happened to me. This is the summary of rejection and depression throughout the span of these six months, and I called it My Solution. It's about suicide, if you haven't noticed. Being trapped to one part of myself and finding no other way to leave it, knowing what is wrong for me, and doing it anyway. This is the song I wrote for just that, for just not making the cut, for just not being on the level to get what I wanted. And the only way to get myself away from it was to end myself.

The song was written in early September and finished in October or November. It took a few months of work to nail, and it was a really agonizing process. After that, we took a long break; we're back now recording Little Rhyme, still getting it down, along with Bitter and After Memory Has Faded. It should be finished sometime at the end of summer, there's going to be about a session a day then.

Don't ask how long this took. Suffice to say, HOURS.

Enjoy when you get it. I'll put a link in the template to this day so you can go back and read the lyrics in the future.

Whoo.

josh see my blog asap
haha
you were wrong

Jeezus, everyone's got mono these days.

Umm well, what's new...

The future that was full of potential is now full of uncertainty, for a lot of reasons. I'm worried that Kenzie is turning in to me, she sounds just like I have the past few weeks.

I had a thought, you may think someone's tortures are pathetic and stupid, but be a human and help them. That was very philanthropic, but it seems like everyone who has a pathetic problem is casted off as such, and were we to do this, we would be no better than animals...I think it's time to change the focus a little.

Happy Chinese New Year's Eve.

I just got finished burning POOR BASTARD VOLUME ONE (AUGUST 2002-JANUARY 2003). And it is GREAT and REALLY different from the first intended, this actually encompasses a much broader scope than the end of August, it strectches into the really bad part of the beginning of August, lots of weird stuff happening, parental conflicts, et cetera, mega depressed, which is why the stuff at the end of August started happening.

There's a lot I haven't talked about yet. Ask me sometime.

AND NOW, THE FINAL TRACKLIST, lyrics when I feel like it, there's 17 songs.

POOR BASTARD VOLUME ONE (AUGUST 2002-JANUARY 2003)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I. Blood Brothers - Papa Roach
II. Hey Jealousy - Gin Blossoms
III. Sorrowful Farewell - Rotting Christ
IV. For Whom The Bell Tolls - Metallica
V. All I Want - Toad the Wet Sprocket
VI. Hold Me Down
VII. Poem - Taproot
VIII. Died - Alice in Chains
IX. Lost Horizons - Gin Blossoms
X. Until I Fall Away - Gin Blossoms
XI. Chemical Tribe - Jerry Cantrell
XII. Dam That River - Alice in Chains
XIII. Mrs. Rita - Gin Blossoms
XIV. I'm With You - Avril Lavigne
XV.Got Me Wrong - Alice in Chains
XVI. Happy Happy Joy Joy - Wax
XVII. My Solution - Stranglebox (our current band name)

Vanilla Coke makes me depressed now.

I'll post a short description of the pertinence of each post with the lyrics.

And let's see if this thing posts, because my dad's computer sux today.

Hey people,
SO Joah...why is it so important that you hate Gunter. Can you do me a fave and let it just be.

Have you realized how fake our society is. I mean think about it.....the whole world believes that everyone has there place and if they leave it......here comes the tidal waves. Crossing social barriers in BHS is next to impossible without whispers and stares. Is this what they call America, the most welcome country? Everyone plays to the role untill that role is all they have, so they stick to that role through life then pass it to there children. Ugg why can't people be themselves. Why can't people NOT fit the mold for once?

Smile all, life's great.

oh and the interview went well

Agh, I had a huge post last night explaining about Poor Bastard 2 last night, then my computer froze. GOD.

I posted the new track list to Poor Bastard 1, which includes Gin Blossoms (a lot of 'em), Rotting Christ, Taproot, Alice in Chains, Metallica, Papa Roach, Nirvana, Wax, myself...mostly Gin Blossoms.

Now the second one, like I was trying to say, is going to have a lot of the stuff I left out the first time.

A few more from New Miserable Experience, Cheatin' if it's not on this one, and Cajun Song. Plus one from Congratulations I'm Sorry, Competetion Smile, which I typed down, and NOW IT'S GONE.

And Alice and Metallica, say We Die Young or something off of Sap or something really hardcore, and Dirt, of course, for Alice, and My Friend of Misery for Metallica, say.

Definitely more Jerry this time, Give It A Name, and Dickeye. There are two others that are really good, but I can't stand to listen to them anymore, they get me really depressed for some reason, Breaks My Back and My Song. They're good, but I'm not going to put them on any of these.

I posted Toad once, so I'll put that song on it, I Will Not Take These Things For Granted. What a change from the other songs, it's...peaceful.

And the Avril Lavigne song, I'm With You, and Soundgarden's Outshined.

I wanted to put Glory of Sadness by Roting Christ on the first one, but it's long, four minutes of music, like nine minutes of silence, and a weird outro for about two minutes. So I'm going to find a way to cut it down and then I'll put it on there. Plus Khronos, it's not a lyrically pertinent song, it just makes me feel weird when I listen to it.

If you noticed, the full title of the first one is Poor Bastard Volume One, August 2002-January 2003, so that's about six months or so. I probably won't wait that long on the next one, it just depends on how quick I find about sixteen songs that mean something. I really also want to wait 'til Alex and I get Little Rhyme recorded, so we can put one of our own on every one of these things...My Solution's on the first one, the last track because it's SOOOOOOOOO special.

One will be ready as soon as I get to my dad's today.

Well, I was gonna post a ton of those songs and then it bombed, and I really don't want to right now, I have the whole night ahead of me, and it's a free period in school right now.

I will restate my threat, GUNTER I AM GOING TO FUCKING END YOU. You'd reallllllllyyyyyy better apply what you say to yourself before you say it. I called him a dickhead in first today, Rosie comes back and says he said the same about me last night. This dude has too much arrogance blinding him. At least when I'm being an asshole I figure it out eventually. This guy fucking never will. I'm not really concerned, it's just the fact that he called me as he did and knows absolutely nothing about me, firstly, nor have I done anything like he's doing. I know his kind well enough, plus his exploits equal asshole, so that's where I get it from.

Why the hell am I wasting my energy...

HEYY it's the 31st today, I thought it was yesterday...heh oops.

Well, I get to go home today and play Counterstrike, that should be fun. Then I get to cry a lil' more here, and burn a few CDs. And other stuff.

I don't have cable at my dad's anymore, him and his bitching about not having money left over after bills, what he has still gets him by, and trust me, he doesn't NEED anything else, you can find ANYTHING in "The Hole". God, well, he'll get it back in about a week when he realizes how much he misses it.

"I Hate Myself And Want To Die" by Nirvana...what a great song title.

And with this, I bid you adieu.

Cajun Song by Gin Blossoms

Well she's leaving today I do know
So far away
I'm feeling so blue and it shows
In every single way
Once that girl, she was mine
For such a short time
We used to spend every night
Now all I do is cry

They say that you can't miss
Something that you've never had
So tell me why
Why I could feel so bad

Well we used to walk down the path
Just like lovers do
She'd hold my hands and we'd laugh
And I'd stare in her eyes, they were blue
Once that girl, she was mine
For such a short time
We used to spend every night
Now all I do is cry

They say that you can't miss
Something that you've never had
So tell me why
Why I could feel so bad
Why I could feel so bad
Why I could feel so bad


Ok, a little corny, but it's a driving song.

We Die Young by Alice in Chains
Scary's on the wall
Scary's on his way
Watch where you spit
But I'd advise you wait until it's over
Then you got hit
And you should've know better

And we die young
Faster we run

Down down down you're rollin'
Watch the blood flood to the muddy sewer
Take another hit
And bury your brother

And we die young
Faster we run

Scary's on the wall
Scary's on his way
Another alley trip
Bullets seek the place to bend you over
Then you got hit
And you should've know better

Faster we run
And we die young


Whee, I'm on a roll.

Competetion Smile by Gin Blossoms

Looking up I saw nothing but
Blue in the bluest sky
And now it's creeping across my eye
And falling down in my mind
Down in my mind
I'm high and I'm hopeless so
Help me to get untied
Fast asleep now I'm going blind
And falling down in my mind
Down in my mind just fine

Emulate the style
A competetion smile

Now I'm running not looking and
Opening up my brain
Where it's easy to lose my name
Looking dumb in the rain
Dumb in the rain
I'm hoping you'll notice that
No one else helps me grow
Oh it's not easy to let you know
What I'm dying to show
Dying to know you'll know

Pretending all the while
A competetion smile

Now I've thrown something far
And it haunts me like a curse
I'm like a stone falling hard
And I'm only getting worse

Looking up I saw nothing but
Blue in the bluest sky
And now it's creeping across my eye
And falling down in my mind
Down in my mind
I'm high and I'm hopeless so
Help me to get untied
Fast asleep now I'm going blind
And falling down in my mind
Down in my mind just fine

Pretending all the while
A competetion smile

I'm hiding high
I'm hiding high


The story of my life in that song.

Hold Me Down by Gin Blossoms

So I guess I must have just been dreaming
When I thought I heard myself say no
Anyway it looks like no one heard me
So here I go
Cause when you're in the company of strangers
Or just the strangers you call friends
You know before you start just how it's
Going to end

When the doors swing open
And all the drinks are passed around
Anytime the pickins look too easy
Hold me down

I can't remember why I like this feeling
When it only seems to let me down
Soon I find I'm searching for the exit
From the ground
If I think the room is turning faster
Then I think the music is too loud
By then I've lived another broken story to let me down

When those doors swing open
And all the drinks are passed around
When half the party moves into the bathroom
Hold me down
Or if you're at the tail end of the evening
And Dr. Feelgood comes around
Anytime the pickins look too easy
Hold me down

Down if I want that part
Down if I've gone too far

Well I guess I must have just been reeling
When I felt myself begin to fall
I realize I'm bounding down the hallways
And off the walls
If my bed was standing in the corner
I could just fall into it right now
And know that I'd just be staring at the ceiling
Going round

When those doors swing open
And all the drinks are passed around
Anytime the pickins look too easy
Hold me down


They're so drunk, I love 'em.

My Friend Of Misery by Metallica

You just stood there screaming
Feeling no one would listen to you
They say the empty can rattles the most
The sound of your own voice must soothe you
Hearing only what you wanna hear
And knowing only what you heard
You, you're smothered in tragedy
And you're off the save the world

Misery
You insist that the weight of the world
Should be on your shoulders
Misery
There's much more to life than what you see
My friend of misery

You still stood there screaming
No one caring about these words you tell
My friend, before your voice is gone
One man's fun is another's hell
These times are sent to try men's souls
And something wrong with all you see
You, you'll take it on all yourself
Remember, misery loves company

Misery
You insist that the weight of the world
Should be on your shoulders
Misery
There's much more to life that what you see
My friend of misery, my friend of misery

Misery
You insist that the weight of the world
Should be on your shoulders
Misery
There's much more to life that what you see
My friend of misery

You just stood there screaming, oh
My friend of misery


'Tis beautiful.

Motivation is cool.

And that, friends, is the end.

Heh, Switzerland is cool, my neighbor is from Switzerland.

At least her ancestors were.

I made a post yesterday, but it didn't come through. AGH, there was a great song in there, Outshined by Soundgarden. That was how I was feeling yesterday, I'll post it again, it needs to go on PB2. And...umm....

I've got a stupidish song stuck in my head that I'll probably post here (if I can choke down the shame) and put on the second CD, it's an....uh......Avril Lavigne song.....put those rocks down...I'm With You, I feel like I've heard it a long time ago, perhaps some song that someone else did that sounds a lot like it. Or psychic foresight.

I was really tired last night, I shouldn'tve had those two Cokes yesterday. One, en moderato, two, in x s. Sweet.

"Heya Gunter what's going on? crowbarSMACK" FIGHTFIGHTFIGHT

Josh sees the deeper surfaces........Rosie.........so be careful when you say I'm wrong about Asshole (capitalized to denote a person). Am I actually good about seeing underlying intentions and just don't know it? Hmm, maybe SOME PEOPLE have been giving me the wrong idea, "No no you're wrong,"...you know who you are.

Vincent? Might need to explain that one a little.

Time for Outshined.

Outshined by Soundgarden

I got up feeling so down
I got off being sold out
I've kept the movie rolling
But the story's getting old now
Oh yeah

Well I just looked in the mirror
And things aren't looking so good
I'm looking California
And feeling Minnesota
Oh yeah

So now you know
Who gets mystified
So now you know
Who gets mystified

Show me the power child
I'd like to say
That I'm down on my knees today
Ooh it gives me the butterflies
Gives me away
'Til I'm up on my feet again

I'm feeling outshined
Ooh I'm feeling outshined outshined outshined

Someone let the dogs out
They'll show you where the truth is
The grass is always greener
Where the dogs are shedding
Oh yeah

I'm feeling that I'm sober
Even though I'm drinking
And I can't get any lower
Still I feel I'm sinking
Oh yeah

So now you know
Who gets mystified
So now you know
Who gets mystified

Show me the power child
I'd like to say
That I'm down on my knees today
Ooh it gives me the butterflies
Gives me away
'Til I'm back on my feet again

I'm feeling outshined
Ooh I'm feeling outshined outshined outshined

(arbitrary "ooh"ing and "outshined"s for an interlude)

So now you know
Who gets mystified
So now you know
Who gets mystified

Show me the power child
I'd like to say
That I'm down on my knees today
Ooh it gives me the butterflies
Gives me away
'Til I'm back on my feet again

I'm feeling outshined
Ooh I'm feeling outshined outshined outshined

Show me the power child
I'd like to say
That I'm down on my knees today
Ooh it gives me the butterflies
Give me away
'Til I'm back on my feet again

I'm feeling outshined
Ooh I'm feeling outshined outshined outshined

Godddddddd, I would do I'm With You if it weren't for the shame of being in school and having everyone watch me look at Avril Lavigne lyrics. This doesn't happen often, but even still....while it is.

PURE TORTURE, I haven't heard it in about three days. So it'll be stuck for a long time. I have to quit cold turkey.

Simply not listening is like really weak methadone.

Really, I am coming. It's just taking me awhile. I should be there by third period, I think.

Yeah, Liz, Switzerland...Real Good...I hadn't thought about that until Jackie posted on my blog. Then it all came back. See you tomorrow...I"M COMING BACK!!!! Almost excited...

Ugh. Not again. Well, just let me know what the new address is. There's no advice on this post, notice. I'm restraining myself. By the way, do you know Jackie... [Disclaimer for Leigh's sake: Jackie is engaged so there is no possibility of there being competition.]
This whole thing reminds me of her thing with Vincent. Do you remember that, Elizabeth? If you do, you'll see the similiarity. [Second Disclaimer because I always tend to get things wrong: If Leigh happens not to like Josh at this particular moment, please don't bitch me out]

so is the addy changing again?

Josh, IM SORRY!!!! I didn't mean for her to see it! I didn't mean for her to get angry at you and stab your balls with your drumsticks. Im SORRY! *cries* I didn't mean it. I Swear. *kicks Josh* Why don't you liike Ray? The one we met at the library?! He's AWESOME! And so adorable and cute and tall, and NICE. Anywho, SORRY!!!!!

Well here's the last post on badvision...

Lily was editing it at the library, Leigh Anne looked over her shoulder, boom. That was the end of it.

So let me say something.

Friends understand each other, they understand why others do things, and they are quick to forgive. Friends want friends around, and if they really don't, then they really don't want to be friends at all. Something, but not friends.

And friends listen to others. Perhaps the answers we're all looking for lie in the ones were ignoring, probably because they're right. I know this, I have found this several times.

I know who my friends are.

I know what I don't understand.

I know that if this understanding is to come, it's on the part of the thing not understood.

I have seen my mistakes.

I've tried to fix them.

I cannot.

Because they never die.

The funny thing about any problem I have is, none of them are bad at all anymore. The thing is, they're just so well timed. Things are good for me and suddenly it's a one-two punch and it all falls down again, I think it's not going to be that way for much longer, I see myself looking at these things as no surprise, and with no more surprises, they'll just stop happening.

I revamped the song Bitter for the third time see what you can get out of the first lines: "Where did my sunshine go, I think it's ever-fade"...if that tells you anything.

Play with fire and you get burned, though, that's the way the cookie crumbles, the ball drops, the bee stings, one two three whee. I should've seen this coming, if it's public access it's bound to end up that way.

But I hope you all know why I made the posts I did, I hope you all know why I do these things, and I think you do.

Because if not, just leave off of me.

And again I turn the page.

joah..........how did it happen AGAIN?

Hmm someone's pissed.

JOSH, guess who found it?

GUESS WHO'S READING THE BLOG RIGHT NOW SITTING RIGHT NEXT TO ME?

AGHHH WHY DOES THIS ALWAYS HAPPEN? AND SHE'S READ ABOUT EVERYTHING IN HERE SO FAR.

So great, I'm trying to find a way to get her away, any suggestions? Please?

It smells like burnt...something in here.

And I am FUCKED.

FUCKED.

That's right.

FuCkEd.

fUCKED.

FuCKeD.

I'm

Hahaha.

Remember when things weren't so complicated? That was fun.

There's fun in this, just weird fun. O well o well.

Je vais aller a la bibliotheque aujourd'hui, dans Nashville. Ce vais etre super, c'est la premier rendezvous avec la jeune fille qui a la nom Leigh Anne. Zut...je ne crois pas si je veux faire la rendezvous. J'ai peur. Mais, c'est la vie.

(I am going to go to the library today, in Nashville. This is going to be great, it's the first meeting with the little girl who is named Leigh Anne. Damn...I don't know if I am able to do it. I'm scared. But, that's life.)

Why did I do that, I dunno. I wanted to test mon technique de francais. I'm did for shit in that class last nine weeks.

And I get to meet Kenzie's friend that likes me, Laurie, heh she even asked me out last night, she's seen the "bird" picture, apparently, but she didn't know that was me when she did. So that's going to be fascinating.

But god, I couldn't believe it, how quick she was. "I need to get to know you better" and I knew it right then. And then later I flashed over to talk to Leigh Anne and I flashed back, and Kenzie was like, Laurie wants to know if you're available, and I was like, yah sure. I really hope she's not serious.

She's a redhead, I hear.

Godddddddd......

This could be a fucking BAD trip. Or good. But I don't know.

Do I ever?

Let me start the second part of this long, long night with a song, because it IS going to be long, already.

Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls

And I'd give up forever to touch you
Cuz I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't wanna go home right now
And I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
And sooner or later it's over
I just don't wanna miss you tonight

And I don't want the world to see me
Cuz I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah, you bleed just to know you're alive

And I don't want to world to see me
Cuz I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

(interlude)

And I don't want the world to see me
Cuz I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am

I was thinking of this song because of a few things: I started thinking about Zoe's Blurty, and in that you can be affiliated with certain groups of common interests. One of them was for cutting and understand why they do it, and also to help them get over it. There were a few quotes from songs in there that relate to it, and one of them was: Yeah, you bleed just to know you're alive. So I thought about that. Then today, I was taking a nap and I remembered it and resolved to post it here. It sounds just like me.

I used to realllllllllllyyyyyy like the Goo Goo Dolls, I haven't listened to them in a while though. I guess I'll be picking that one back up soon. Iris shall be on Poor Bastard Vol. 2 (and yes, the first one's official title is Poor Bastard Vol. 1, Aug 2002 - Jan 2003, the list is a little different since Tinblogged got deleted and that was the only place I put it).

And now to the pressing matter.

It seems that one of Kenzie's friends wants to go out with me. I brought it up with Leigh Anne and she was like, "Well at least it'll get you off my back," and I said, "Oh no, you can't shake me that easy," and she was like, "Damn,". Ok.

But the thing is, it was really half-hearted, to the point where even I could take it that way, and second, when she's trying to shake me off, she'll use the phrase, "Just move on,".

I need some interpretations, by the way: "It's going to be really funny when you find out you don't care about me." and "You lied; you said you loved me."

Actually, I know what they both are quintessentially, "I want attention", the Leigh Anne fling. It's amazing how desperately she needs it.

But right now she's talking to Brittany, and Brittany has a lot of sway over her, whether she'd like to admit it or not.

It's going to be a long night. This would've been longer had she not called back just now.

ARGH.

I'm weird, but my shirt smells really good right now.

HeeHAW.

okay. The little note of goodbye was what I did to xi. Deal with it. I didn't want to go in circles and I really seemed that you hated me and wanted me gone. I didn't want to "defy" you so I left, for now. You know the Xi story.

Anyway. Yeah about Gunter I get what you're saying. Gunter is out of the picture now forever. He's out of it too so don't take anything to heart.

Ok Rosie, the biggest thing that pisses me off about Gunter.

The fact that you say you're all over him and so is he. And that fact that he says so and is being so fake...well...I just can't take fakeness, or arrogance, which he has in abundance. Like today when he called Alex stupid for not knowing a Calculus problem. He's probably the only geekass on the fucking planet that knows the answer to that. And then he jibed at him. Alex was just doing it for fun, but Gunter didn't have to react like he did, "I'm better than you because I'm a senior and I know more math stuff and you can piss off and suck me you underling". SO GAY. I wanted to fucking BLAST him today. And I wanted to throw the Gilgamesh box at you too for being all "HEHEHE" at him.

Yet I know he isn't over it (I was like him a long time ago, the "sutble flirt"), and if you're being all overly nice to him and trying to get into his head like you are he's going to take it the wrong way.

I can't tell you to stop, because I wouldn't listen either in that situation.

But I'm telling you to look to the horizon so as to prevent the present from closing in.

And two more things.

I found Camille's (my new kitty's) purr spot today. Whee.

And Lindsey, the word that encompasses it all:

FEAR.

To Lily (adendum):

Does she really? I really don't know.

Every time I bring up the point that you've said something along those lines, she's like "You really believe her?" and actually...I do. Most of the time I think it's just me clinging on to a crumbling ledge, but maybe you really are right. Idon'tknowIdon'tknowIdon'tknow. I don't know. I think she does myself.

But then I tell myself, that's just what you want to think, not what really is.

I wish she would just find one she could confide in, that would make things a lot easier for me.

But who said it was going to be easy?

To Lindsey:

I don't expect advice, but if it needs to be given, I'd really like to hear it.

And sorry for being crazy, I don't blame you or Rosie for that matter.

Paul? You'll need to tell me about that.

Well, here I sit again.

"Uh oh" you say, you go and grab a drink because you know this is going to be one of those. You sit back and stare blankly at the screen, letting a bit of spit fall from your open jaws as you sort through this post and get the message: "I wanna bitch". It's the same one tenfold, but for some reason there's something new to get out of it every time.

I'm not intending for this one to be long. Which means it probably will be.

I want you all to know, especially Lindsey, that you all did not screw up my life. Let me see if I can retell this plainly.

Leigh Anne called back shortly after Rosie to ask for Brittany's phone number. After a while she handed the phone to Lily. Lily's mom picked up and told her to get off because she needed to use it, whereafter she didn't use it. But anyway, Lily put down the phone and forgot about it.

Meanwhile, I set up this BLog and posted that one at the bottom in Kenzie's, where, shortly after, I deleted it, for reasons that will become apparent in a few lines here.

I had a silent line for 93 minutes before Lily noticed the phone off the hook and picked it up, whereupon she said "Hello?" and I said, "Umm...hi,"...there was a round of laughs, then Leigh Anne was inspired to talk to me and say that she was upset with me and didn't hate me anymore. After a minute, she told me they were setting up a tent and that she was going to go and help them. She was trying to get away from them for a second by locking herself in a closet or something, and I didn't think it worked, because she eventually gave in and just said, "I love you," and hung up.

So that was ULTRA cool for me. I went and played darts with my sister's friend who was staying over, I won.

They called back shortly after. There were a few more Iluvu's in there, there was some sappiness, which Leigh Anne alleged would happen, and then she hung up at about 1:30, whereafter, Lily tells me, they went to sleep.

So the next day I guess Leigh Anne was still like that for a while. Things went bad at about 5 that evening. They got worse at 6:30. Then I went to my dad's house feeling generally pissed at my dying fortune.

And then that night she just asked me to forget about it again. That she wasn't interested in a relationship with anyone, that she needed a friend. There are some other things that were more personal when we were together that came up, but they eventually were also rescinded until there was nothing left but a big fuckin' gap of silence, whereafter I put down the phone and read your posts. I had said no arguing, I felt like there was some here, so I just decided to call the other people off. Plus Rosie's ultimately childish post of "Joah...God I hate you." As if I needed anymore of that stuff.

I posted it to see whom of you would stick by me no matter what. It really seems though, now that I look at it, that Rosie was reallllllllllyyyyy eager to give up on me...some friend :), well we've got things straightened out for the most part.

Then I woke up the next morning and felt stupid because I really enjoy the outside input at times, so I went back on it but it was a little too late for that. So today in fourth I answered Lily's post for the most part(there's more answers for her and Lindsey after this one, by the way), and I resent an invitation to join the BLog since Lindsey had backed out and was mad at me.

So that is the story. Last night things were pretty good for a while. But I really don't care. Actually, at one point, Leigh Anne had this horoscope thing on her cell and was telling me to think of a question and tell her...at one of them I just said, "Can I just keep it in my head?" and she said ok, and the real question was, "Will things ever work out with me and her?", and the VERY astonishing answer was a bunch of star alignment bullshit followed by the interpretation, "Give it time and it will work in the near future,". I was like, WHOA. She asked what the question was and I was too stunned to think for a second. Then I said something about if I was going out to eat or not that day.

She always thinks of something bad when I'm making her laugh, and she bring it up, after which it'll be a thorn in my side and I really can't be humorous anymore and she'll start talking about all these guys...I swear to god, this girl has no female friends, and the ones that could be considered so, she can't connect with them, or they're lesbians and they're after her.

So that's about it for now, that's the story so far.

Fucking story.

Sorry, Josh. I think I'm gonna take a backseat with this one for a while. Screwing up your life was not intentional. I promised myself I would never do what Paul did to me and I haven't yet; I just want to make sure I don't. So if I start giving you advice or anything just tell me to shut up. But there is something pretty important that I need to tell you. Call me when you get a chance. It's not urgent or anything.

Well that's encouraging. The problem is wondering how hard to hold on, if it's really worth it at all to go so strong.

I did before and that was stupid. So I'll just wait for the winds to change.

That FUCK YOU post was really in angst against her taking it all back, that's just the lil' screaming child post coming to life. It's hard to stand strong when so many things are hitting you, like being an oak in a hurricane.

Pretending yes, as to how, I really don't know. I just like to conceal little things about myself.

And sorry to everyone for being an idiot and not calling certain persons back (you know who you are Lindsey :) ), some major stuff was up that night and I forgot about it eventually. VERY SORRY! I was kind of worried, though, as to what I would tell you anyway. So that was probably a part of it.

Gonna try and reinvite Lindsey, pick up the pieces of this BLog and all my friends and such.

Girls...

Argh.

Sorry Joshies! I had to work the whole day today then i went swimming, it was an INSIDE POOL! Anywho, Josh, if you feel that way so badly why don't you just tell Leigh? *I* know she can be an ass sometimes, and I know how much you like her, I know she likes you too, she just has this problem of showing her actual feelings, I suggest for you to hold on a while longer, if she doesn't turn then I think you should forget her, I know how much you've tried and they'll pay off one day. She REALLY likes you, she just doesn't know how to show it. You've been pretending thw holw time? Josh, that's not very nice. I mean, I tell you the problems I have with Kenzie because I can't talk to anyone else about it, just let me in on a few things! I don't want you to pretend to me. Anywho, Erm..... I can tell Hua likes you to the point that she'll admit she loves you. She's just really secretive. Yeah, all girls/women are fickle. She'll turn around someday, but it's your choice if you want to hang on to her or not. I'm about to have a serious talk with Leigh. See you people around Later! Oh, and Joshies, I'll call you in a little while!

Lily the psycho powered one

You're reading way too deep into this.

I didn't say that I never wanted you as friends, I just didn't want to be criticized for the things I've been doing, and I was getting that.

Especially from Rosie, unfortunately. I hope you remember your reaction at Lindsey's house on Friday. Because I sure as hell do.

I've decided not to remove anyone, that was Leigh Anne's wish that there be no one but myself on here, and it would be foolish to adhere to it, considering she'll never find it.

I really don't know what to find out of anyone anymore...I really want to see what's left after all that's happened so far. Perhaps last night's post was to test my real friends from the ones who really do use me and this plight as entertainment, and seeing as how I wasn't attacked directly, and in fact the matter at hand wasn't attacked, I really have found the ones that will stay.

Not that that was my preliminary intention; I know this probably did cause a lot of damage, but I cannot apologize, I had to know.

To understand me, you have to know that my world is made up of definites, and anything that goes against that will not work. My fear of commitment and God, all because they are not definite.

And the real me is a screaming little boy. He's locked away and huddled over and screaming his lungs out, he's cold and alone and he loves it that way, even though he hates it, because I could let that boy out but I am afraid to, because I don't know if he'll be the one to change from it.

Plus the fact that the things he wants to show all of you and tell you that he's seen. No one would like what he sees, he envisions the world as innately evil, and truly, he is right, but he knows the depth of it.

It scares me because the boy is cunning. He's something else...I could call him wicked but that's not what he is, he's been twisted by his thoughts.

He only comes out at my worst, he came out on the last post and did something that probably destabalized the people it was aimed at. But it's something he wants you to hear so that it will stop bothering him, it's bothering him that he could ever think that he was being blamed for something that isn't his fault.

Don't expect an apology, that post wasn't pure malice. That was the reality in my head.

To understand me, find me at my worst and learn.

But never judge.

Joah.
One time I asked if I knew you, really knew you. I didn't know all of you but most. What heck do you mean by acting like you are just now telling us that you pretend. You've been telling me since day one and you expect me not to try to find the real you? I've been trying ever since but apparently you don't see that. I never thought that we would ever fight over the true you or even Leigh. She was there for you, to help you but sometimes she wasn't there. I wanted to talk to her about that. I have no sorries to give. Leigh is as she is and I supposed that you see her life with yours. Enjoy. I cared about you Joah and since you never want us to be friends apparently I have to say bye.

I'm outta here. Bye, yall.

I'm taking all of you off. I knew it wouldn't work, it was a bad idea. Sorry, but if I can't have one of you, I won't have any of you. And remember, it's nothing personal, it's just something I need to do for now, I need to listen to myself and only myself. Trust that you'll be back very shortly. I'll give you all one last post unless I hear otherwise, attack me and not each other...although the rest of this post is going to be damned contradictory to that last part.

Why is it...

Everything I do is hopeless.

Everything I say is worthless.

Everything is just dead. I don't understand why things are so great one minute and ruined the next. Leigh Anne and I were together today, and all of a sudden, she decided to take it all back.

And it wonders me that I can't just let it all go and hang up the silent phone right now, the silent phone with that girl's bullshit as she takes back slowly everything and acts like she's all above it. Like none of this will ever come back to get her.

Believe me, when it does, I'd love to say I'd be the first one to point and laugh, but I know I won't, and the rest of you know it too.

It is ridiculous how much I punish myself...

But it is more grossly fascinating of how much strength I have. With this, I could conquer the world, and instead I foolishly spend it on a girl who loves me sometimes and is irresolute the next, one who I'll always come crawling back to.

After all, having her is a dream. You always chase your dreams, and when it's in your grasp, you grab it, no matter the consequence.

I need to talk to someone with an answer, not just good ideas. Not people at war, not people that look at the surface and laugh or get angry. Not any of you who mock and jeer when I'm down because it's all my fault in the end, everyone, whether you'd like to admit it or not, points the finger at me...and you should all be pointing them to the girl who said, "I think I'm in love with him", and twenty-four hours later, "Why can't you forget it?; I just take it back,"...you do for a while, you did, but your posts shine through that.

"Joah. God I hate you."..."We're about as happy with you as you are with us."...what friends I have, friends who will never look deeper than the surface, whether they like to admit it or not.

So maybe that tells me that I should really stop being so kind to all of you since you really don't deserve it. I've noticed I get struck when I can't defend, right here in this BLog. Doesn't it make you feel invincible? Do you ever think that I won't respond, I'll take it and be apologetic? Should I, anymore?

And the answer is: Yes, it does, Yes, you think I won't say anything, and No, I shouldn't apologize. I really didn't ask any of you to get involved if you noticed. My depression was my silent cry, but you didn't have to listen, I've borne it all on my own before and got through it. I was changed at the end for the worse, but at least I didn't care what was happening to me.

I want something to happen to everyone else all at the same time just so I can feel a little better, just so I won't be the hopeless, the lowman anymore.

I need something beyond me. I have a hope and it's dying, I still hold. I have a dream and it's fading, I still seek it. I have memories and they burn, they become real and they haunt me.

She haunts me, who is the one who will not let go?

She is a liar, and I am a fool.

Lily, I need to talk to you about some things seriously...we've already been over a lot of this before but I need to ask it all in a different way. So just give me a call as soon as you can.

Kenzie, I probably blame you the least for all of these things, but I won't forget some things...I forgive them, but I cannot forget.

Lindsey and Rosie...what can I say...I could apologize for some things, but I deserve it for others.

Elizabeth, I don't know what you think, and you are probably the wisest.

And Leigh Anne...

FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FOR EVERYTHING FUCK YOU FOR THIS FUCK YOU FOR TAKING ME AND BREAKING ME FUCK YOU FOR DESTROYING MY HEAD FUCK YOU FOR BOTH THESE TIMES AND THE ONES TO COME THE ONLY WAY YOU'LL EVER BE GOOD IS WHEN YOU ARE HUMBLED AND BROKEN AND I WAIT FOR THIS DAY I SEE IT COMING AND I LONG FOR IT AND I HOPE IT KILLS YOU LIKE IT KILLED ME OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN AND I HOPE YOU LONG FOR AN ANSWER AND NEVER GET ONE AND I HOPE AT THE END OF IT ALL I'M THE ONLY THING LEFT THEN IT ALL STARTS OVER AGAIN THE WAY IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE WAY I ALWAYS HAD IN MIND THE WAY THAT COULD HAVE WORKED THE WAY WHERE NO ONE WINS THINGS JUST ARE WHAT THEY ARE AND ARE NO MORE THAN THAT

Trust in this, because it is coming. If you put in too much it gets spit up at you when it can't hold anymore. I know that better than anyone, what comes around goes around.

To all of you...

See me for who I really am, not what I pretend to be.

And know...

I think I've been pretending the whole time.

Sorry.