Today was very bad.

Not for any descript reason...it was just one of those days where I woke up and said, "O shit, today's a really bad day," Not that there was anything bad about it...more like, I had convinced myself that something was wrong with today, and the whole world went down from there. It's like...I ran out of Cokes, I tried writing and couldn't, I wrote huge responses to posts...and then rethought them all together and wrote one line that doesn't really say anything. You know the way these days go. It was a "stranglebox" so to speak.

I'm so tired for some reason. Kind of sad when I realize that it's summer, and tiredness coupled with summer just cannot reasonably coexist.

There's No "I" In Team by Taking Back Sunday

Well I can't regret it
Can you just forget it
I started something I couldn't finish
If we go down, we go down together
Best friends means
What best friends means

And I've got a twenty dollar bill
That says you're up late night starting
Fist fights versus fences
In you backyard
Wearing your black eyes like
A badge of honour
Soaking in sympathy
From friends who never loved you
Nearly half as much as me

Broken down in bars and bathrooms
All I did was what I had to
You don't believe me when I tell you
It's just what anyone would do
Take the time to talk about it
Think a lot and live without it
Don't believe me when I tell you
It's something unforgiveable

Well I can't regret it
Can you just forget it
I started something I couldn't finish
If we go down, we go down together
Best friends means
What best friends means

You never knew
Well I never told you
Everything I know about breaking hearts
I learned from you, it's true
I've never done it with the style and grace you have
But I've made long-term plans
Based on these mistakes

Broken down in bars and bathrooms
All I did was what I had to
Don't believe me when I tell you
It's just what anyone would do
Take the time to talk about it
Think a lot and live without it
Don't believe me when I tell you
It's something unforgiveable

Is this what you call tact?
I swear you're as subtle as a brick in the small of my back
So let's end this call
And end this conversation
There's nothing worse
(That's right he said, that's right he said it)
I swear you have no idea
The jealousy that became me thinking
That you always had it way too easy

Broken down in bars and bathrooms
All I did was what I had to
You don't believe me when I tell you
It's just what anyone would do
Take the time to talk about it
Think a lot and live without it
Don't believe me when I tell you
It's something unforgivable

Best friends means I pulled the trigger,
Best friends means you get what you deserve...

I get let down a lot, it's not like this is anything new.

Why? Because you have every right to.

Heh, well yeah, you could come if I was still having it. Not this weekend, I wanted to try and get sometime where I can get everyone at the same time. On a side note, why do you keep thinking I hate so you so much?

Where do I pull the lyrics from? As in, how do I write them or where do I get the inspiration for them?...although that is virtually the same question. Or do you mean, where would you find them...although that isn't the question, now is it? The lyrics to all of my recorded songs are on this page somewhere, in case that, in fact, is the query.

Inspiration is a very tricky thing. It's about taking pieces of negative and positive sentiments and putting them on paper. It's taking what I see and making words meld with it, and at times, it's very hard. Any lyricist will tell you, writing good lyrics isn't about thinking about the words involved, it's about getting a message across. If you're good enough, you'll know what words to use, you just need to figure out where to put them; it's hard tho, because it makes me focus on things I'd rather not think about most of the time...it's about depression and anger for nearly 75 percent of them, and the other 25 is about being ignorant so as to prevent hurting myself (Close My Eyes), letting go of something, learning something through pain (Hollow feats make a man of the meek) and the occasional death anthem a la Metallica, although it's been about three years since I wrote one of those.

Remind me again... your party....am i coming?

...where do you pull the lyrics from?

Ugh, guys...

I think my dad and his old girlfriend, the one that drove me to the point of psychotic break, are starting to get back together. And if that happens, I'm going to be really pissed off for as long as it lasts, or I'll get used to it, and I'll be a generally pissed off person. And then again, it might not happen. But I seriously doubt that shit.

I used to be really tortured by it, most of last year was pretty bad for me because of my dad...Rosie might have noticed during those little conversations during Aldridge, but I wouldn't think it likely.

I know you all would like to say that you'll stand behind me and help...but it really comes down to me and my dad alone in this house, along with her over the 'Net; when I'm all alone, there's no help to be given. So it just scared me that I might even be remotely encountered with this possibility. But I'm going to shut up now and knock on wood and pray I'll be alright, so goes one of my songs a bit edited.

Read my reply to your last taunt-inspired post if you haven't already LilChi.

And the lyrics to the new song.

Close My Eyes by Stranglebox

Hey you there are you listening?
I won't be ignored again
Outside here, it's a lonely place and I'm
Trying to figure out where this began

CHORUS
I'm apart and struck at the heart
The whole world hears my cries
And you thieved to the point of deceit
But if you care, please close my eyes
Another down, my pain is renowned
The thorn is in my side
Hollow feats make a man of the meek
And if you care, please close my eyes

Hey I'm here and I'm thinking about
Why I never went away
I've been trying hard to live without
Your sweet touch within my brain

CHORUS a few times, nothing special

It's so damned simple, but it's really awesome, minus the shoddy production job, as usual.

Evil wench. I was supposed to have my car already, but the guy pulled back and thought he could get more money for it elsewhere, but that he would call us if that plan fell through. And you getting a license...HAHA. Another...well, several months I guess, three and a half, even? Compared to moi, who is holding it and has taped it to the screen where your post is so it can saturate your taunt with the sad truth: that you're still a damned kid, and that's all that matters :)

Just to make Josh feel all warm and fuzzy inside, I have my car already! :-P Now all I need is my license.....grrr.

Why thank you Will, and thank you everyone for your well wishes. It's been an amazing day.

The test....well, I waited about an hour, I got the forms, I sat for another two hours. Then they called me up. I took the vision test and got it perfect....20/40 perfect, that is. Then they gave me over to my supervisor, a one-armed man whose stump was incredibly versatile. It was amazing. But that's besides the point. He was really anal, and for that, I received two error marks...but that doesn't matter cuz it takes seven to fail. WOO, so I got it. It looks horrible, this new beige colour with yellow. But I got it, nonetheless. So I say to my mom:

"Mom, do you still have that check from Gran (pet name for my paternal grandmother) in your purse?"
"Yep, sure do."
"Ok, well let's go cash it."
"Ok."
"And then I'm going to go to Backyard Burgers."
"Ok."
"ALONE."
"Oh...um, well...ok."

I went. I got the number one with tea, and I sat on the trunk of my car in the parking lot laughing to myself and be generally optimistic, answering any questions as to why I was so happy. Then I finished and went home with a CD blasting. I sat around, I went to the party at my grandmother's and got 90 bucks, which is awful considering I got 430 about six years ago. Dammit. And my grandmother gave me a little toy car and a keychain, "for when you get it, and there's something to wet your appetite with"...those a-holes. I got my cellphone back and FINALLY got to hear all of those messages, so if you called in the last five days I'll be getting back to you really soon...tomorrow. A few surprises actually. It's been a great day, just because of those messages. The fact that I got six was awesome, but some of the content therein was really nice, as well. I'm rambling.

That's awesome guys, I have a license and no tricked out ride to be mackin' my hoz with. Shiet biatch. I might get a car pretty soon, but I dunno. Even when I get it, I can't have people with me, says mother. But what she doesn't know can't kill her, right? At least for now when I don't have that problem.

Thanks again all.

Like I said, you'll never find it.

Actually Z, nothing has happened. I don't even do anything on here anymore, I don't have anything to whine about, I put most of the band stuff on Stranglebox...mostly, everyone comes in and reminisces about how awesome Antiphilanthrophy used to be, and then they leave and do whatever. And yes, COLOUR! I got sick of the drabness and had to liven it up a bit.

Anyway, addressing the first line of this post...you'll never find it. I made it extremely difficult to near-impossible by not making it a public BLog. It's still out there, it just can't be searched for. And to find it, you would have to experiment with different website addresses. A worthless hint, I just wrote a new song and put it as the address of the website. And again, you'll never find it. HAHAHAHAHA. That was kind of the point though, so that I could finish it and then post it. I'm just not doing it here because of it's sheer size...and I don't want comments on the work in the making, because that would screw up most of the story line and I would be PISSED. Especially since this is taking a billion years to work out. There's mini-essays to sort through, lots of lyrics, conversations to remember, letters to re-read...mostly, lots of stuff to remember, sequence, and write down. It isn't incredibly hard, it just takes time to figure out which piece goes where...most of the year I took as a single strand of conciousness, and now I have to take that thread and unweave it into its most essential elements.

It should be done by the end of summer or so...ok, not that long. It'll take a long while, but I'll get a lot done this weekend...after the parté on Saturday of course, and it should be finished before you know it. A lot of it, all of you know already, since most of you star in it in some way or another. Basically, if you've read this site and TinHaven on a regular basis for the last two months or so, and I have open communication with you, you have a part in it somewhere. And then, there's stuff that's been in the BLog before and will be posted as part of the story again (i.e.: the "goodbye" letter, etc.). God, you're all going to love it and hate me for some things you never thought I knew but actually did know anyway. HATE, I can taste it already.

GUYS IT'S MY BIRTHDAY HAPPY B-DAY TO ME. Surprised that I made it this far. Pray for me on the driver's liscense test tomorrow, I'm more worried about the eye exam than the test, but it would be nice to have support nevertheless. When I pull up to your houses by myself in a car tomorrow, grinning my cheeks off, imagine the feeling of sheer joy and excitement you'd get from knowing that you well-wished to a good cause.

Propaganda is awesome.

Um....i searched for the darned thing....where is it!!

What the hell are you talking about?

The big post is out there somewhere, if you can find it, congrats, but it won't be easy. I promise that it will be here as soon as I finish it...which won't be soon, it's in 20 parts with little side-stories, and I'm only on the first side-story, at the beginning of part four. I haven't been working on it enough.

If you happen to see it on the updated BLog list on blogger.com's homepage sometime, the website is called An Account of Apathy, Concern, and Everything In Between.

Good luck on finding it. But otherwise, wait for it, wait for it, it's not even near done. Yes, it's that big.

Josh if I know you then you have something you aren't telling me about.
TELL ME!!

Ok, I've waited long enough. I want to see the huge post!!!

The new BLog was made just for the big essay, just to store it...but it'll be posted on here soon enough.

Suprises, suprises, must wait for the suprises.