Hmm. I really don't know how to start this post without saying "I'm really depressed." So here goes:
I'm really depressed.
This is the worst kind of hurt I could ever think of. I could seriously read back over the shit I went through last year and long for it. Nothing ever hurt so bad as right now. What am I doing that's making everything so weird? It seems to be happening with everyone, some more than others. Why hasn't anyone told me?
But I suppose this is my fault. I knew this was happening, I could feel it. It's those things I say that take every conversation down until you hit that really strange silence part, the "what do I say to that" portion of it.
I know that I have potential, but I'm really having a hard time seeing how to manifest it. At least right now. I'm sitting at my dad's house and wanting to scream, to do something. To find the answer that doesn't have a question. That's exactly what depression is. Or rather, numbness.
For those that don't know, I was diagnosed with severe depression the other day, and they put me on Lexapro...I'm still trying to adjust to it, and it's going to take some time. But during that time, they say, things are going to be worse. Boy howdy, they are. I seriously had to talk myself into getting out of bed this morning. I had to find a rubber band so that I could stop the horrid thoughts for a few seconds and figure out how to open my door and start the shower. You know, the rubber band approach. You think something bad, you snap yourself. Does it work? For me, sometimes. I guess it did this morning. I managed to leave my house and come here.
But ladies and gents...ah. The burn, I can feel it all over again. I woke up with it this morning. I know what it is now, but it still hurts more than anything. I wish I wasn't me.
I don't know what I would be instead, but if I could be something, this wouldn't be it. I don't have an identity. Or do I, and am I just so depressed that I forgot? I don't know. God.
I need sleep, so much sleep. I get insomniatic when I'm really depressed or stressed out. Hence, I haven't been having the greatest days lately.
Guys...I don't know. I think I really need to reexamine my relationships with everyone, I need to see how far this has gone. Actually, I think I know, so now, I just need to figure out how to change it. Please, give me some time. I know, I know, that's going to get old, I've asked everyone, I've asked Abby, I've asked my mother, everyone, but please, just wait for me. I don't know what I'll do without all of you.
I'm really depressed.
This is the worst kind of hurt I could ever think of. I could seriously read back over the shit I went through last year and long for it. Nothing ever hurt so bad as right now. What am I doing that's making everything so weird? It seems to be happening with everyone, some more than others. Why hasn't anyone told me?
But I suppose this is my fault. I knew this was happening, I could feel it. It's those things I say that take every conversation down until you hit that really strange silence part, the "what do I say to that" portion of it.
I know that I have potential, but I'm really having a hard time seeing how to manifest it. At least right now. I'm sitting at my dad's house and wanting to scream, to do something. To find the answer that doesn't have a question. That's exactly what depression is. Or rather, numbness.
For those that don't know, I was diagnosed with severe depression the other day, and they put me on Lexapro...I'm still trying to adjust to it, and it's going to take some time. But during that time, they say, things are going to be worse. Boy howdy, they are. I seriously had to talk myself into getting out of bed this morning. I had to find a rubber band so that I could stop the horrid thoughts for a few seconds and figure out how to open my door and start the shower. You know, the rubber band approach. You think something bad, you snap yourself. Does it work? For me, sometimes. I guess it did this morning. I managed to leave my house and come here.
But ladies and gents...ah. The burn, I can feel it all over again. I woke up with it this morning. I know what it is now, but it still hurts more than anything. I wish I wasn't me.
I don't know what I would be instead, but if I could be something, this wouldn't be it. I don't have an identity. Or do I, and am I just so depressed that I forgot? I don't know. God.
I need sleep, so much sleep. I get insomniatic when I'm really depressed or stressed out. Hence, I haven't been having the greatest days lately.
Guys...I don't know. I think I really need to reexamine my relationships with everyone, I need to see how far this has gone. Actually, I think I know, so now, I just need to figure out how to change it. Please, give me some time. I know, I know, that's going to get old, I've asked everyone, I've asked Abby, I've asked my mother, everyone, but please, just wait for me. I don't know what I'll do without all of you.
