Josh you are to call me ASAP. That is a strong, STRONG request. Josh, please. If not for you peace of mind then for mine. I can't leave knowing that you're like this. Call please. Cell or home. I love you and so does Becca. Reach out to one of us please. Talk Therapy, though seemingly pointless, does affect how one feels. Smile alittle, the sun is out. (and now with that said it'll prolly rain today, with my luck)

Josh you are to call me ASAP. That is a strong, STRONG request. Josh, please. If not for you peace of mind then for mine. I can't leave knowing that you're like this. Call please. Cell or home. I love you and so does Becca. Reach out to one of us please. Talk Therapy, though seemingly pointless, does affect how one feels. Smile alittle, the sun is out. (and now with that said it'll prolly rain today, with my luck)

I sometimes wonder, as I do right now, what the fucking bleeding hell I'm doing.

Here I sit clicking my life gone once again, ever acknowledging with each and every breath in the Turkish philosophy sense of the words, that I am dying this very minute, and that every breath I exhale, and everytime the blood in my heart delivers that wonderous life-giving oxygen to the rest of my body, every goddamned time, it's inevitably meaning one more stroke of the steel to the flesh, one more beat that causes this flesh irrevocable damage, the beat shall never return, the damage, however small, is leading us onward inevitably towards that black, aching pit called death with no light, no future, no sounds. Only silence and the grim realization that the past, just as the future and the present, are truly nothing. That the very whim of creation was to take life and let it make choices, mostly ones that would destroy it, and then lead it to black at the end of its time, from whence it came, and where it all will inevitably wind up.

Death.

It feels the same way at this moment, as it did when I put my mouth on the end of that 45 and dropped that goddamned baggage for a few seconds, the wonderous beauty of liberation, and the horror of clarity, that life is a pit, and we are the bastards deemed to find the bottom, in life or without life, but inevitably, we will reach the bottom; some of us will taste it before we meet it, and some of us will hit it before the rest of ourselves can catch up. Some of us just weren't meant to see the clear and the wonderful I hear about. Some of us are made to prematurely taste the bottom because nature says there has to be a balance. If the world were without people that weren't fixated on their own destruction, it would mean a race of people engaging nature and fully working against it, a species that would inevitably rise above the confines of nature.

They put the ones alive on the bottom here so that we are inhibited as a whole, not all of us will unite, we are the ones to show everyone else their own eventual damnation. We were put here to circumvent rising above nature, and nature does this by utilizing our most potent and, in the man-beast sense of the word, only tool: our very minds. Our minds were bred of destruction for survival, the art of survival is destruction. Some of us may only compensate for the full awareness of our inevtiable demise by cutting ourselves in the mental sense, thereby achieving equalibrium again: you cut, you rise back above, you sink back down. Balance through imbalance.

Yet nature doesn't take into account that its scales may be unevely weighted. Equalibrium comes with acceptance: we have a choice to accept this middle ground or not, which, sadly, a great few of us do not, and of those great few, there are varying degrees of non-acceptance. Many who believe themselves to be upon the middle ground do not take this into account, and thereby further incriminate and induce self-destruction upon those that cannot accept their constant exposure to inevitability.

I came into this world with a choice: the choice to live, or the choice to die. I have taken a long, subjective look at this world and everything it stands for, how it lives, how things work within it, how things are carried out, how we breathe, how we survive, everything about it I have surveyed for as long as I can stand, and I have decided that, though I continue and will continue to stand among the living, I choose death, because death is my fate, death is my perception, death is the only option to those who have felt the bottom as strong as I. Death comes with the sadness of grief that always hits a human with loss. I feel no relief, I feel only the comfort of acknowledgement, that my path is set, that I believe this, however morbid, that life comes to death and that this, like everything, is inevitable. Everything, absolutely everything eventually comes to it, your happiness, your longevity, your well-being, all of these things will be ruined by it. Why not let things slip away when you are already so attuned to it?

Goddamn this world for bringing me so close to the pit, yet leaving me still so far away.

Oops.

I THINK this is my address because I'm pulling it out of my memory right now. Josh can correct it later if need be. Sorry Will, my mom has the booklet with the address in it but you've been yelling at me for getting it out. Oh yea, last nite was extremely strange...why did you start it?

Rosie Jiang (duh!)
Governor's School for the Sciences
Hume Hall
1911 Andy Holt Ave.
Knoxville, TN 37996

Again that's from my memory of writing it twice about 4 days ago...so. but I'm about 70% sure that, that's absolutely correct and 98% that 80% of that is correct. Yea I know, strange.
Just whatever you two do, Don't put UT knox or Chemistry department because that will slow the mail down to about 3 wks for it to wk through the university system.
Love you all... though only 2 are ready now.

Three more days until I'm off and I'm so BORED!!!
Josh did you get my message? It's on your cell.
Will- Sorry about my mom...that was amusing after the fact but she's just pissed now about anytime that I'm not studying for my SAT II's. If you need/want to talk to me then e-mail works really well. The pool party is definately going to have to wait since Zabeth went to Mississippi today, I'm leaving, and, well, Linds is busy. Josh is free though; so is Becky.
I know I'm a worry-bug but can the two of you do something for me in the next month, especially Will. Josh, I know you'll be kind of busy, at least mentally, with Linds and that's great, honestly. Becky is going through a really low period...yes I know euphenism (sp?)but she's told everyone that no one can help, esp Phil and I but I also know she adores her friends. Can you by any chance just keep her busy so she doesn't have that much time to dwell on the problems and spend time with the truly good part of her life, her friends? She loves movie nights and just hanging out. Go the Recreation World, go swimming, go ice skating (she does love that and she's good) just keep reminding her that her friends love her. I would if I was here but I also think that I wouldn't be able to do much even if I was. I love her to death and would give up Phil for her but in her mind the choice has been made and that choice distances Becky from me, at least alittle, for awhile. Also she loves running so if any of you feel up to the challenge go for it. I think she's doing a Red Cross Marathon so.. train with her or something. I love you two!!! Thanks!!! I know exclamation mark crazy but I don't know if I really put how strongly I feel about this in this little post (yes, LITTLE). I never thought I would stab a friend like I have, in fact I never thought I would have to face anything like it. You two have seen the brainstorming of if I do like him and if not and if I would ever act on it. You've heard me mull over how Becca has felt over the months and you have seen me deal with it. I also know that you two love me and have put up with alot because of me. Thank You. I know that isn't much but honestly thank you. I don't know what's going to happen as much as I wish I could say but I do know this, friends are the world. If it wasn't for you this past year, acedemics and all, would have been more insane than it was. Thanks for the little waves in the halls between English. Thanks for the walks from physics. Thanks for the "NOTHING!!" screams down the hall. Thanks for your know-it-all attitudes...both of you. Just plain...I'm gald your here. Take care of a friend for me. I know Josh by now is rolling his eyes and going "Rosie, you know I would without you asking" but I have to. I have to know that she'll be ok; not only that but happy. I want it so badly right now. Take care of her for me, for everyone. She's such an angel. No matter how much she says she's stubborn, strong, ok, fine, and going to be fine, she truly is more fragile than all that. Thanks.
Forgive the mistypes and the bad grammar (spelling, punctuation, ect.) as usual.
Oh yea...and don't forget to smile, sleep, and laugh.
Byebye