Dude.

That seriously made me EMO tear all over the place, and I can't thank you enough. It's been...rough the past couple of weeks. Out of a possible two-hundred negatives I could have picked to describe myself at the shrink yesterday, I got 178. That in itself told me a lot about where I'm coming from, and the fact that I can't see through anyone's eyes except my own, and it hurts to do it. I really try to control these thoughts and think things differently, but every time I try I just get myself more down. I know this isn't a Leigh Anne situation, and I'm trying so hard not to put it in that light, but sometimes...it's hard to fight the past, especially when it's so close.

It's only been a year since I broke that off, almost literally. It was sometime in early April. One of the biggest things troubling me is the fact that some things that are troubling me, are. They shouldn't be anymore. But I have a lot of shit to work out in myself.

But really....thank you for this. And I'll try to keep my face...sometimes I just don't know how. "You're either manic and high or depressed and down," says Bright Eyes. Sometimes I feel like that, thinking that scares me into submission, too. But I really appreciate your being here. I just really hope I can make it out to the other end in one piece. What you said was perfect, I just need to take it to heart and try to apply it. God...we'll see.

And you know, I'll always come to these things, and I'll always be here, because you're there for me. Life hasn't been all so bad as I say when I think about it and all the people that have made it a million times more colorful than it should ever have been, and you've contributed so much to that. I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Wait, I said that she'd lost interest in you? What?

Definitely not the biggest deal, let's focus. Listen, Josh. Abby loves you. She may not be acting like it right now, but in all honesty, that's her deal. Right now she's way too caught up in her own life to be able to see past it and into yours (or mine, but once again, not quite the point.) Truthfully, I really haven't talked to her enough in the past month to really know what's going on, but I do know that yall are in love and that's just not something that fades away that quickly.

I do know that making a big deal out of Abby's lack of insight is not going to make the situation any better. Just don't obsess about things that don't matter in the long run. I promise you, girls think about things a lot differently than guys do. With us, we can do anything as friends that guys would perceive as a "date" or whatever. I promise you, Abby would never in a million years do anything she thought would hurt you in any way. Is she in an incessantly bad mood right now? Yes. Is she able to see past her own problems right now? No. I've pretty much faded into the background the past month. Remember her calling you and telling you that I was completely ignoring her, blah blah blah? Yeah, right here, right now. I haven't really talked to her in forever it seems like. But she's still my best friend and I still love her.

I do understand the whole feeling of despair, though...quite unfortunately. And I'm really sorry you're back feeling that way again. That's sucks infinitely. But listen to me: you aren't doing anything wrong. If anything, you're doing stuff that is very right. You've been there for me when even Abby couldn't be. You've loved me when I couldn't love myself, and forced me to look at things from your persective. You are the perfect boyfriend, the perfect son, and the perfect friend, even if most of us can't see it all the time. You are my brother, Josh. I look up to you and respect you more than any one else I can think of. Your advice and compassion and support has gotten me farther in this world than I ever dreamed possible. I don't know what I would have done these past couple of years without you.

But please, Josh, don't let this get you down into another Leigh Anne situation. It really shouldn't- there's no Leigh Anne situation to pull you down, only your perception of one. Every couple goes through rough times; this is just one of the rockier ones that yall will eventually either through and be closer than ever before. Don't be ashamed that you're feeling the way you do- just know that not everything is exactly the way you think it is.

You are so awesome, Josh. Thank you so much for coming tonight- that really meant a lot, especially since my family couldn't be there. You have been so wonderful to me over the past couple of years- I'm not sure I'll ever be able to thank you enough or repay the debt. Knowing you has changed my life, and I'm so grateful it has.

If you ever need to talk, you know I'm always here. My door's always open, my phone is always on, and you are always welcome.

It seems like it, she's still really tired though, and that never comes out on the other end well. Hmm but...maybe the Lindsey Reid prophecies came true and she just lost interest in me? I remembered yesterday when you said that a really long time ago...actually, I remember you saying that awhile before I met her, and I was like, "Hmm, pleasant...", not knowing what was going to come as a result.

Gr, what's with this residual Leigh Anne paranoia? I'm jumping from shadows in the middle of a sunny, empty field...I feel guilty about it, but honestly...how are you supposed to address something like that without making the other person jump at you, or feel guilty themselves, or generally just pull down your relationship in one way or another? And considering our present communications record....uhm...well.

Sometimes I hear about all these other guys and I flip. I hear that's what happens when you're dating a girl, all sorts of guys try to get up on your turf, so to speak. But jeezus. Like, one week, we had to cancel because of her sister coming over, and then the next day, when I was out of town, two guys come over to watch a movie...I was sort of like, "Well, alright..." and then, the thing with Reiners (sp?) and yes, I know, I understand what happened, but it just kills me, it's all making me nuts.

God, maybe it's just all this end-of-the-year anxiety? I guess this is why I'm going to a shrink tomorrow, it's gone from accentuating the negative every once in a while, to pretty much every chance I can get, and with everything, especially relationships (not just the b/f-g/f kind, either). God. So long as I can stop asking myself "What am I doing wrong?," I'll take whatever they want me to. Am I doing something wrong? What the fuck.

So hey, let's brighten the atmosphere with some lyrics from your favorite one-man band, who has been very busy as of late, of course. I haven't made one of these in aeons, but hey, what are BLogs for besides huge EMO posts? Here's a good one. "I wrote this one when I was really depressed." It's called Apart and it's really different from stuff I'd priorly written, but a lot of this is, I've changed a bit since last year. So here goes.

I'm falling apart here
Did you see the pieces?
I wish I could feel this like you
I hate the innocence that sleep gives
A mask for all the traitors trying
To quiet down their abuse

And so long as I cover this
Maybe you'll stand with me
And we can just fake that
This world is wrecking me
All I've ever wanted
Is to be perfect just like you
And then maybe I'd know

Why I hold this guilt that I do not own
Why the sharpest blow crushes all of the bones
Why are we falling apart?

Decepted by this insolence
I wonder what I haven't got to yet
I wonder how I could be so enamored
To this fate, instead of one that lives

I am surrounded by fakes and abandoners
Turn their heads when the action won't benefit
You have taught me that my every redemption
Lives in this never-fade rift

Why I hold this guilt that I do not own
Why the sharpest blow crushes all the bones
Why are we falling apart?

...and I'm pretty sure there was more, but hell if I know where the sheet is. There's a mount about 12,000 feet high of papers on my bed about now. Hmm. Somebody help me out here, I'll give you a cookie.

I think she's doing better- at least for a while. She seemed to be in a (semi) better mood when she brought over the swotch. I don't understand what's gotten into her lately. I really don't.

Sigh. What a damned day. So apparently I find out the shit's hitting the fan in some respects or another. And coming from once being the Bad Girlfriend King, big problems don't even out well in my head. Bleh.

I just want to know where I stand in all of this, or what's going on that all of this is happening. And if it's bad, may it be relatively quick and painless.

Time for US History, hip fucking hip hurray.

We had a puppy this weekend. Granted, he was a HUGE puppy, even being two months old, but he was a sweetie. I don't remember his name. But I do remember that he didn't get adopted, and that sucks. But he will sometime this week, I bet. People just can't resist puppies.

YAY!!! REVIVE STRANGLEBOX!!!

I want a puppy.