Damn.

Comcast ist being uber slow today so I can't see the pics for which toe y'all got. But that's ok, cuz I'll see them tomorrow, since I know I'll be on the computer a bit more, if not a lot.

You are almost correct Linds, he is the second cousin, only thrice removed. Well actually...in doing the research I had to wade through a lot of debate over who started it all, Wundt or Fechner, and surprisingly, it's pretty evenly divided. I think Gustav laid the foundations, Wilhelm built the house.

Gosh, you're right, it says "preschool teacher". Maybe I'd be a craaazy one like in Billy Madison and have all the kids put on tribal beads and do Hindi dances with me, so as to exemplify my in-touchness with emotion, thus not losing the EMO kid side, and also listening to Metallica while we dance, thus, not losing the rock side. It would be fun being a preschool teacher, four year olds are pretty cool. Kids are pretty cool in general, actually, unless they're not under my remote discretion and they're, say, in a library, and I don't have the right to go up to them and play with them or do something to make them shaddup. Then they're not really that cool. But I'm totally diggin' the preschool thing. That would be solid. Jive turkey!

I've been watching "I Love the 70's", and it kix major assor. But Abby and I agree the 80's are better. Think: big hair! Poison! Ratt! Sex, Drugs, n' Rock n' Roll: The Era! And on a more serious note...Metallica! Early Alice! That's really it to the eighties, music and sex. And lots of political fiascos. And Apple IIs, those things are the SHIT.

Well...a neighbor is selling their 1999 Acura Integra for 10 gs, so I stopped over to look at it, and it kixor assor. It's got a subwoofer in the trunk, and the guy said it can lay the track flat, if needed. Heheheheh. At least it has airbags, by god. But...mild structural damage, as in bad paint scratches. Judging by the people selling it, they probably won't haggle. But I'd try for 9.5 at the least.

Hey, it smells good in there too, which is a lot better than I can say for the last couple o' used cars I've been in, ala GAM, my dad's. It smells like butt in tharr.

Whoa dudes, caffeine is awesome. I haven't had any in a long time, but we ran out of stuff to drink so I perked some coffee...well, it was perked so I put it in the nuker and it was really good. Cinnamon crumbcake with hazelnut creamer. It's all gone now tho...HAHAHAHA. I don't know how to use that pot, thank god. But I think I'm going to go try and figure it out here in a second. HAHAHAHA. Caffeine is awesome.

So's...anyway...god, I hate that. Like, I'll be talking to someone and I can't think of what to say next, or else I've forgotten. I do that a lot, and it really suxor. DAMN.

Mega recording tomorrow, that should be funfunfun til our daddy takes the T-bird away.

Well, I hope you all had a good day (mine was good, albeit lethargic and melancholy) and a good one tomorrow too. Because life is puddle wonderful. Heheh.

Salut.

You've posted a lot today. I didn't know anyone influenced Wundt, him being the father and such. Perhaps Gustav is the grandfather? Or maybe the godfather. No, the second cousin twice removed!!! I'm going to have to give that one some thought. It says you'd be a good preschool teacher. Which is funny, given that you're other choice is a rock/emo star.

Which toe are you?

Thank god Comcast is working and all.

I'm really hungry, and I don't feel like cooking, and I don't have a car, or any money, for that matter. This, friends, is the paradox of our time.

I was drumming a few minutes ago. It was really awesome. I also discovered that my room is warm no matter what you do to it, to the point of being unbearable. It's that wonderful yellow, God bless it. It just makes me so warm inside that sometimes it sets me on fire. So it was really hot and I feel like I just got run through a SCUBA gear-less tour of the Titanic. But it's fun pounding skin. So yes.

I think it's time for a nap all. Golly, do I love weekends.

Sigh.

Which toe are you?

woohoo!

Doing some research schtick. This isn't very fun. Fechner blinded himself during his experiments, that's about the funniest part to this project, he was looking at the sun trying to "gauge the intensity of the sensation".

Thanks for eliminating yourself from the gene pool, Gustav!

Anyway, I recorded a new song last night, and I must say, my sonic skills are going up a bit. It's interesting that they are getting better, since I've haven't recorded since finishing the last song of the "really bad demo"...just been reading on it a lot and thinking of how stuff could sound really cool if I went just a bit overboard.

That would explain why I used about four different mics on one acoustic, and two on an amplifier (that's not so bad). But it sounds really good for an early cut...I'd go so far as to say, some of the better sonics I've ever done.

Woot! I'm going to take a break from stupid research now, because it's really gay and I hate it and want it to be shot in the face and foot simultaneously with a projectile weapon. And I'm almost done too, this guy is really frick'n popular. He influenced Wundt, if that says anything.

Salut, mes amis.

O wow, I just noticed how incredibly complicated the world is.

I mean, you hear that's it so big all the time, but it never really occurs to you or pops out in your face. Like, you think that someone is getting murdered everyday, but you don't hear about it, you might even ignore it like me because, hey, people die, and others will be assholes and kill them...unless it's something overly shocking, like Tabitha Tuders or something.

But...I was looking through that list of recently-published BLogs today, I sampled the EMO kid non-professional ones, that have the ".blogspot.com" after their names. I read about a girl who's car was almost stolen and she was freaking out, I read about an overweight college guy with depression he probably doesn't know about yet, I read a lot of hate and brokenness. As much as we all are divided, I suppose we really are all the same.

And that is the extent of my insightfulness for the morning. And now some good ol' fashioned DEATH psychology, w00t! Gustav beckons.

Farewell friends.

The song is called Tainted, it's a nice pretty song with really icy vocals, until the breakdown screaming at the end of each chorus...hence the name, the "taint" kicking everything's ass.

And then there's the bridge part, where that starts up in the left earpiece, and then it's followed by a screaming reel after four times of the line. And in the other ear, the line is spoken, and then a nice rap reel. All the while, guitars chugging it out in the background, Alex is pounding our very skins off of our bodies and...I'm...playing the bass, as usual, but yea. We're really proud of this biotch, actually. It's in the CKY/We wanna be an EMO band genre.

Speaking of, on the way home, Abby and I saw a license plate in which the first three letters were EMO.

I am SO stealing that guy's car! Even if it is a horrid life-sucking gas guzzler!

Anyway, I'm going to record s'more right now. I have to pick up my sis at 12 at school so...yep. It's right behind me in the bathroom, I might as well.

I like what you did with the line. It doesn't apply to me as much as the other though. What song is that going to be used for? I like the whole "hey, look at me, I inspired a line of a song of a band that's going to be famous" thing.

Wow, did you guys know spiders can buzz?

I just found that out. There's a huge spider living on my front porch, and as I went to run today (I just got back, so that can tell somethings about the darkness factor) I got caught in his web and he landed on me. And proceeded to buzz. It was the scariest thing ever. I screamed like a very little girl.

Well, that's ok, cuz my dad is coming back in a minute with new headphones! Yay! Get to work on a little acoustic side project I'm doing for my aunt...plus a few other songs here and there...that might come to light very soon.

Linds, I adapted your line...it has become, "The anger from without becomes the anger from within." It leaves a bit to think about, but it's part of a reel that's really awesome moreover. That's the screamed one in the left earphone, altho that bit is whispered four times before we break out the heavy shite. So, considering the rest of the song, the left side is the despair/screaming part, the right side is the aggression/rapping part. And they go together in my head and sound AWESOME.

But yes, the anger from without becomes the anger from within.

Hoo-hah! G'bye friends!

That is true, I was thinking about it not being a solstice as soon as I got to school today, and thought, everyone is going to hate me. But it wasn't that bad, now was it?

And just kidding about that math major all, jeezus. I hate math, I'm just good at understanding it.

So if everyone couldn't tell, I'm in a bit of a mood, and that's never good. Most of the time, I develop these little things and they tend to bleed out on everyone else. So yah.

The rest of this post is going to be what is known as a "rant". Linds's BLog is called as such, and it reminded me that I haven't ranted or used the word "fuck" on this BLog in a long time. Not that I expect that anything will have changed by the time I have ranted or used the word "fuck"...to the greatest ends, no less...but I'm wanting to do this so that I'll feel better.

And again, I'm mostly expecting everyone to pass this part up, seriously. I mean, BLogs are really meant for talking to yourself, especially the EMO kid side of every BLog. Not that anyone actually does...what can you really say to these kinds of things?

So that is the disclaimer, and if you're going to keep reading (and I promise there's nothing special, and there won't be any names used, not that I'm pissed at anyone anyway), be my guest.

So...I hate myself. As hard as this is to really accept, I hate the way I've been wired, which is, in essence, myself. My family has a predisposition to the worst kinds of mental deaths, the least of which is depression, which is a constant and horrible knife in my back. It ruins every function of my life, relationships, grades, ambition. A couple of weeks ago, I was probably on Cloud 9 about this time, and a few weeks before that, I was probably sinking lower and lower as I took the labours of breathing.

The point is: I can't control it, and I can't understand it, and neither can anyone else. It helps my maturity and sense of humour, when I'm not in the middle of being depressed...other than that, it's a curse.

I can tell when it's kicking in. I'll always be in the middle of a sentence, and I'll start to trail off and lose interest in what I was talking about, or I'll be trying to say something I find funny, and just drop the reigns on it. Then I'll start to really loathe myself for how I'm becoming and it'll only get worse and worse as it goes.

Speaking of maturity, that shit drops off pretty fucking (that was the first one) quick. I make the dumbest connections to why I feel the way I do, and why people are reacting differently to what I say. Fuck (and that was the second one), I know why, but I still sit there and worry about it, knowing what the hell is up.

I like psychology because it lets me know why I feel these things. I don't like psychology for the same reason. It lets me know why and reflect on what a commonplace freak I am.

It's not the common part that gets me. It's feeling isolated and knowing there's a thousand people with the same damn problem...it feels selfish, and giving to that selfishness is something I have to do, but it makes me feel horrible nonetheless.

So I deal with it. I spend time alone with it, I cry about it when it's bad enough, sad as it is, I just don't know what else to do sometimes. Suicide typically always occurs to me, but not as a reality...as in, it comes up, but I never consider it in reality. And the saddest shit is, it happens everytime, and that's horrible. I hate thinking about it.

Honestly, life is really great right now, and that's another reason why I hate myself. I mean, everything is so even, I have the best girlfriend that could've ever been imagined, I'm doing ok in school, I have friends, I have a decent family.

Oops, I found out that someone is doing better than me in something, time to get depressed! Oops, guidance people say you need to get involved to get accepted into college, I'm not! Time to get depressed instead of getting involved and actually doing something about it! Start thinking, you're too stupid to get in on intelligence, you're not going to know what to do on the essay, you're going to fail anyway, so why not just quit and kill yourself now before the rest of your life does?

And THAT, friends, is shit. I don't like thinking that way, but inevitably, I do.

I keep waiting for myself to make some faulty association between two things and depress my brains out because of it...fuck. Just waiting and waiting, knowing that I should stop waiting but I can't. It's depression.

It's sad because, chances are, I'm going to be schizophrenic in the very near future...in case you didn't know, that's going to really fuck me over. It's happened in my family, it happened to my biological grandfather (who killed himself, by the way) and his grandfather (who also killed himself, if I'm not mistaken)...I'm a prime target for it, or something to that effect.

I mean, come the fuck on! I have a life to live here!

It kills me to watch these guys who don't care about shit, who langour in infidelity and debauchery, and they come away morally scot free. How the hell? A piece of me wants to be that whoring fucker that I detest so much, sometimes. I figure I wouldn't be depressed.

Then I get to be normal again, and say to myself, "That would be more depressing, living that way. And killing yourself is a bad thought, so I'll never do it again."

So when it does happen again I get really fucking mad at myself for having lied. If I were to tell a bit more about my past, you would find lying to be a great and murderous part of it, the likes of which I would aspire to damn from my being, but no...I lie to myself to make things better, despite my knowing that the fix is always temporary, no matter what I do. Just like anyone else.

I aspire to be my own person, and that's definitely dampening that. Imagine the struggle trying to recover a sense of self after Leigh Anne. Imagine the fear of becoming that lost self again. It's terrorous, even. It's worse now because now, I would know what was going on before it happened and find myself not able to stop it, again. At least, that's what I think. But I'm in "pretty down" mode as of now and of course, every thought that comes out is a negative one.

Most of the time I write these things away...I can't this time, for some reason. It's like all the music was taken out of me, and here I am, left to die with these wonderful little chips of anger on my shoulder.

Just now, I typed, "I HATE I HATE I HATE" and deleted it. But that's just a part of my ID longing to come out, just like he did before, when I didn't really care.

I'm trying to keep this under raps guys, I really am. I didn't like what I was last year, and I'm fighting it with every single fucking bit of my essence. And that creates a lot of negative sentiment at the same time, which I am forced to fight with simultaneously.

I wish I could describe this all to someone, but it's one of those things you can't put it to words if it's true enough. It's like love, if you really believe it, you can't say it, you can't even show it, you just know it's there, and it's real, you acknowledge it and you deal with it the best you can.

But even those that provoke the best of my words (and there are no names, but you all can probably deduce, if you're still actually reading) couldn't draw all this out, I've made it too complicated and I'm fighting a war that shouldn't have ever started, against myself.

It's a horrible war, having the entire world on your side, every confidence you could have ever asked for, and somehow, just somehow you're losing that fight, you're dying fast, you don't know why, you won't. At first you think there's an answer and you go looking for it, but actually, there never was a question, so you're reaching out for something that's not there, and that's where your constant depression comes from. I've since staved that, now it just comes back in sprees when it wants to.

I just hate the way it makes me feel and interact with everyone. I feel it taking a toll on my life. As if everyone couldn't guess where my thoughts are now, going to that primarily important and strange and new aspect of existence.

It is my fear that this will take its toll. That only drives it onward.

So that's about it. What more could I say? I fight, by God, I fight, and I hope that some day I'll understand all of it. I'll keep praying for a solution, I'll try to hold on to my loves and passions without letting the depression taint those too.

I just hope I can stay true to that chivalry.

Wow, that's quite a lot. I hope you didn't read all that, because you'd be just as much of a loser as me for writing it all for no apparent reason.

Whining is good within reason. Hell, you're mind produces things typically horrible for your body, but does it with reason. We should all be adhering to that wonderous natural logic.

This is the end. I'm going to bed now. Goodnite all.

I feel much better, by the way, if anyone couldn't tell, or cares at all, if you were worried at the suicide part.

And it's an equinox, not a solstice.

Sorry about the headphones dying, but yay! about acing (literally, as to boost your self-esteem) your algebra test. You may be a little too right brained for the math major though. I'm a big fan of Algebra II (in comparison to other maths, quite obviously), though NOT Ms. Stout, nor Geometry.

ummm....Josh, it's the first of the year AND you haven't hit Calc or Stat or even Pre-calc yet...so don't get TOO set on a math major. Oh yea...you haven't had discrete yet...

SHE DID! She's ok now. And she was rather amused by the "dingleberry" incident.

"Augh, Mrs. Stout, you're such a dingleberry!"...even if I did ace (literally, so as to brag) your test today. HOOAH! It's become my favourite diminuitive! So everyone, join the crowd and be a cool person!

I should be a math major, algebra is easy to understand. Geometry sucks, but o well.

So I need to go do some annotation. My headphones gave up the ghost as I was trying to record today. Sigh...can't be a good artist without good gear.

So that sucks, and life needs to be set on fire at times like this.

Bahamas dimes are really cool looking, I have one here and I should show you all the thingy sometime. It's BADASS!

So anywayz...Happy Solstice all, "have a nice trip and see ya next fall". I got that from the Power Rangers, they're BADASS!

I just used BADASS! twice. Now thrice.

Goodbye friends.

Yeah, she has a tummyache. :( Poor Abby. But I IMed her and told her about the dingleberry thing. She laughed. I think she went back to school today though.

She is SICK, yes! But call her, please, and tell her about Julian being a little dingleberry, heheheh.

She has a stomach virus, or something to that effect. I'm leaving her alone tonite, but tell her I hope she feels better!

Abby's SICK?!?!? I'll cry if she is. Can I call her? Too bad, I will anyway.

I had a shower reverie the other day.

The boy who cried wolf. I haven't thought about that story in about a thosand years, and yesterday it popped into mind...so crazy.

But anyways...did anyone think about who the real loser is in that story? Morally, sure, the boy faces the guilt of losing the sheep. But what about the townspeople? No wool, no...other sheep stuff...all because they had so modified their outlook on the "boy" that they didn't bother to come check what he was bitchin' about.

Someone should redo that wonderful piece of folklore and tell about the massive economic backlash that struck the parentals thereafter. Sure, the kid's a biotch, but shouldn't it be their duty to come look if he says, "Wolf?" Who gives a kid a boring job like looking for wolves in a sheep pasture all day anyway? Who's to blame for that one?

Those stupid dingleberries. Heheheh.

ABBY IS SICK! I hate myself and I want to die...augh...such sentiment of depression therein. WHY, to her, of all people?

I'm sure she'll be better in about two seconds tho...lordy, am I an EMO kid. Heheh.

Farewell warriors.

Bah...game-boys are for...girls.

YE-AH! Girlygirls 4 lyf! *flips hair and skips*

And my inner child is 6, so that pretty much makes me a biotch, of course everyone already knew that.

That's good tho, that you in fact are 16 and have the quiz say 16. It shows, like...stability in your life or something. The fact that I got 6yo tells me: 1. I have some maturing to do, 2. I was looking for answers that I liked, not my real answers, which ties in to maturity, or, 3. I cheated. Since 2 is the most thought out answer, I think I'll go with that.

YES!

heh...Josh...there's something wrong with you ....
I showed Girlygirl too...hehe...surprise surprise.

Oh yea I'm also have a inner child of 16...heh. So I'm a 16 year old girlygirl with a 16 year old inner child. Some how that's kinda dumb.

Bah! Girly girls for LIFE!

I'll curtsey the likes of you to DEATH.

HAHA.

Heh.