I suppose. I don't take her for much of an overestimater, though. A tad bit of a dreamer, but that wasn't e'er a crime, so far as in my book.
Hmm. Well, what's been going on lately. I'm in a really EMO mood, so I should probably make a long post and tell you all to ignore it (but that actually means, read it thuroughly and tell other people that I'm depressed, too). Actually no, take it as you will; it's sort of like writing lyrics in the BLog, it doesn't change anything, but it gives a certain sense of...something. I really can't remember since I haven't posted any in quite a while. I might put down one of my newer works for the public perusal...it hasn't been recorded yet, but it'll pretty much tell you where I'm coming from.
Hm, well. So yesterday I sat on the phone with my dad talking about how apathetic I've become to everything, how nothing really seems to be doing it anymore. I started out the whole call by saying, "I wasn't asleep, just being dysthymic," and I guess that's how it all got started. I've been feeling it creeping up for the last couple of weeks...it's a scary feeling, kind of, but at the same time, it's really familiar and comforting. It's a honest paradox, but that's the only way I can explain it. I really want to get out of whatever this is, but I cannot.
It's horrible because...well, you all know me. I'm the type of person that says, "If you aren't willing to help yourself, then I won't help you." And here, all of the sudden, I try to help myself, and nothing seems to work. I keep asking myself why, and none of it makes any sense. I try to cover it up by doing a thousand things, but I really don't care. It's to the point of knowing and believing I have a lot of great friends to help me, but just not caring. It's like I'd rather be down here where I am, where everything around me is going to die or leave sooner or later.
Again, it's been going on for the better part of two weeks, probably before that, but I'm not super-crazy into looking back that far. I just haven't felt the same about things, nothing really gets me up, it's just flat, or it's sinking. I mean, how sad is this: I'm listening to Glass In The Trees by Dead Poetic the other day, and I couldn't help but just stopping the car and scream-crying at myself for about five minutes...god, this feeling.
I know a lot of things I can do to help it, I just can't right now. I really need some time off, first of all; second, I need to talk to Abby about a lot of things, third, I need to talk to my mother, fourth, myself...eh. Sometimes I wonder if any of this is going to help. Actually, all the time I wonder if anything is going to work. As I type this post I don't feel that familiar twinge of fear like I used to with Leigh Anne, I just feel flat...really flat, like a cardboard box with an elephant on it flat.
I guess this is better than being upset about everything...like last night, lordy. I felt like I was never going to get out of that, and like I would never pass out and just kill the pain for a while, until I could readjust the chemicals and wake up the next morning.
Man, that sentence I wrote in English today, I thought about it, after giving myself the guilt trip for making a stupid sentence (how predictable), and said, "man, this is what I sound like all the time now." Even my happiness is sad stuff. And the hardest thing is explaining it to anyone, because I'm really afraid of what might happen if I do. I think my dad took it alright, he's a really good guy, and he's pretty much been through it all, he doesn't think anything is weird or crazy anymore. But yeah...explaining this is a nightmare. It's like, first, let's tell the story of how it began, and then the story of how it really kicked in, and all the residual aftershocks from last year, and the obsessive thoughts, and the things I do to try and calm myself, and all the guilty thoughts and the guilt in general. First of all, does anyone really want to listen to this, and second of all, why? Not even I do. Then again, if I wasn't hearing any of it, I probably wouldn't be sitting here typing this. Sigh.
I think I think too much, that's what's causing all this. I just don't know. I really just want to sleep a long time and not face anything, just have it face me. Aie, this is suffocating.
It's nice to let it out though, it's something I rarely do anymore, I sort of save til the appropriate blow moment....it's sort of a bad idea. Hm. Well.
I'm tired, so I'm going to go to bed now. It's been a long time since I made a good semi-EMO post, and that was a pretty good one. Yeah.
