I just realized I said "we" throughout that entire thing without consulting the rest of the group to see if that's how they felt too, though I'm sure it is. But just in case, substitute an "I" every place you see a "we." Just don't to be putting words in people's mouths.

All right. That's a hard post to follow. We really knew most of the stuff you just told us though, or at least I did. We know more than just what you tell us. Maybe I just picked up on it because I've been in a silimiar situation. Obviously not the same causes or anything, but I've definitely felt something close to what you just described. Anyway, all I really have to say is that nothing you can do would make us feel any different towards you Josh. You're one of my best friends in the entire world, Abby or no. Nothing can change the history. The other thing is that you really needn't ask forgiveness from us, but if you need to hear it, we forgive you. Clean slate, Tabula rosa. Start again if you want to, but there's really no need. We love you for who you are, Josh, whoever that is. And if it's the person you were before, we support that. If it's a different person, we support that too. You need to do what makes you happy. No one else matters. Not me, not Abby, not Rosie, nor Will or Liz. Take yourself into account first and worry about the rest of us later. We'll support you no matter what you do. We've all been through a lot of stuff together, and this is just another thing to overcome. We're the closest-knit group of friends I've ever had, and nothing can ever break that. Nothing. We're here for you, Josh. No matter what hour of the day, what day of the week. We're always here for you. Call me if you need me for anything. 473-2890. You're one of the greatest people on earth, and don't let anyone tell you any different. Don't let yourself tell you any different.

I need to make this post.

I need to tell you all something very important, and you can do with it what you will.

There's someone very familiar that you all need to meet. I'll come back to that.

This thing with Calhoun did not start this, it only confirmed it.

Today, I had a really bad day. It wasn't the saddening kind that makes me think suicide. Quite the contrary. This was a day that is going to change my life, it was so bad. I was not depressed. I realized that I was fucking horribly mad. More than mad, I was homocidal. I joke about it a lot, but mark me, MARK ME, I was thinking about taking a baseball bat over to that stupid whore's house and finishing the job her ex didn't. And mark me on that one, too. This is all going to come to a point, I promise, but there's going to be a ton of malice beforehand. I said do with it what you will, and I hope that you'll do just that.

Actually, I didn't get homocidal until about a hour ago. Beforehand I was complacent, I was stoic. I sat back and got pissed but I didn't blow up. I always do that. Like I told Abby earlier tonight, I was just "on a low simmer". But for some reason this one just wouldn't stay there. I blew up a couple of minutes ago. I started banging things, and Katie was laughing and so was I. I didn't think I was serious when I was saying, GOD I'M SO FUCKING MAD. But then I felt great. Why?

I felt great because I accept the reality of my situation. I've been repressing it. I don't know why. I came down to earth and said what the mother fuck I really felt about it, and I embraced the godawful truth of it. It's that I am so fucking sick of being complacent and respectful to these dickheads that are going to fuck around with me, like that stupid whore, and like Julian, and this other kid I just heard about, pulling some shit.

I figured something else out. I figured out how much complacency I have with the cycle of abuses. You know how people do? First, things are going ok, you think it's all alright and whatnot, and you trust the person. Then they start to slip and pull some shit. And then...then they just come out and abuse openly, and they don't care what the fuck you have to say about it. And THEN, and here's the good part, they try to make up for it, and mostly, THOSE FUCKING CUNTS GET THE FUCK AWAY WITH IT!!!! ALWAYS!!!! And why is that? Because we all remember how good it used to be, and we figure they'll change, so we give them another chance, and another and another, and we convince ourselves that they actually are good people and that their bad, abusive sides really aren't what they are.

I'VE GIVEN IN TO THEM!!! WE ALL HAVE!!! I ALWAYS give in to Calhoun! I ALWAYS give in to shit, because I'm in love with the ideal, rather than reality!! I fucking hate reality! I don't live here! And therein lies the problem.

I've given up trying to exist in this world. I let the complacent side get the better of me. And I know I have, and so I have some apologies to give out later. But I gave up, and I let this dumbass motherfucker take over, this thing that I'm not. This thing that doesn't think for himself, he thinks for everyone else. He doles out advice but he can't ever adhere to any. I just gave up a long time ago, but suddenly, I'm back. Thanks, Calhoun.

And so, I need you all to meet this person I gave up on because he was too perverted, too coarse, too vulgar. He was the thing I talked about in that song, I'm Just A Bastard.

He's me.

I've tried so long to keep him back, and I don't know why. Maybe I thought that everyone couldn't accept him, but now I know...everyone just has to, or they just have to leave me be.

So now: I need to tell the ones that have to hear this how incredibly sorry I am that I've been the one pulling the shit and blinding you towards the real me. I'll detail all the circumstances and then you'll know...perhaps you have known. Whatever the case, I need to tell you, the real me does, the one that has occasional and guiltless bad thoughts, and thinks that some shit really is gay, and really wants to take some people out.

And I want you all to know right here and now: I am not blaming ANY of you for ANY of this. I don't want to hear an "I'm sorry" over any of this, this is TOTALLY not any of your faults. This is something I have done to myself, entirely. It could be said that your actions influenced it...don't think that either. It's how I stupidly interpreted them. If there's one thing I can't stress enough, it's to keep being yourselves. I'm preaching it, yes, and right now I'm going to adhere to it.

Please, don't take any of this the wrong way. I've felt it growing like a tangible presence since...god knows when. But it's been there since I can remember, and I finally figured out what it was, and am in the process of dealing with it.

Linds was right when she said, "the longer you wait the harder it will be", but I mean more than just with Calhoun. I've been waiting so damned long and not admitting to myself that I have a pretty fucking bad problem that it's turned into a nearly-impossible-to-resolve crisis. But I'm going to handle this. I hope I don't scare any of you away.

I just can't keep him in anymore. All I ask is that you allow me to let him come out.

So tomorrow..."fuck her feelings". In case I get suspended or do something really stupid and not like me, you all will know why because...I'm telling you. If she's going to get righteous with me, then fuck-a-hootenanny, I'm going to get righteous and then fucking some. I won't get fucking pissed on again, ever. Mark that shit, too.

No more abuses. "I wonder when all the abuses became commonplace." It just boggles me how hard I was trying NOT to think about them.

I'm sorry for this post, and I'm sorry for what might follow. But I just can't do the way I'm doing, for fear of losing my fucking mind.

Please bear with me as I try to heal all this damage I've caused. I'm so sorry to all of you I've hurt by this, whether you've noticed or not, I don't know what I can do to make it better. Hell, I don't know how to forgive myself yet.

Please forgive me. I'm sorry.

So, We know teacher's can be completely wrong now.
Linds, I found my scantron and she's way off like 13 points off...that could hurt.
Josh go talk to her NOW...ok well not now and prolly not with some of Linds' language but you do need to talk to her. To make her understand that you are really versatile in your writing...not even mentioning your personality. Also show her that she's only read two of your essay's at most so she can't possibly know your completely style. Also the Aristotle essay can't hope personality...it was very dry. SO...don't her write that on all you papers.

Not a problem at all, Josh. I just figured I knew what I was talking about more than he did.

But Josh, you've got to tell your mom or someone about what Calhoun did. She hasn't got the right. She has to have tangible proof before she can accuse you of plagerism. You know you wrote that paper, and so do I, and I'll be damned if you get a C for a paper as good as that one. Fuck her feelings, Josh, this is not only about your grade, but also about your integrity and dignity, and if nothing else, those are the things you have got to stand up for. Be assertive, Josh, tell her what you feel. Tell her you're insulted, that you're pissed, that you demand a better grade. If she doesn't give you one, take it to the administration. I'll go with you. Abby will go with you. We'll both go with you. But you absolutely have to talk to her about it. Abby backs me up on this one Josh. Everyone knows your right but her, and she's the only one who doesn't believe it. Stand up for yourself, Josh. She'll just keep running over you if you don't. I don't give a shit what she thinks; you're an awesome writer, and I won't have her discouraging that anymore. Josh, this is a very important issue. This kind of stuff goes on your record that goes to your next english teacher. I'm serious, Josh. You've got to take control of this situation. Now get your ass into that classroom tomorrow, and tell her exactly what you want from, and be forceful. Not disrespectful, but assertive enough to get what you want. Josh, you're one of the most gifted writers I've ever seen, and I won't let her think otherwise, and neither should you. Please Josh, if not for yourself, then for mine and Abby's sake, please talk to Ms. Calhoun tomorrow. The longer you wait the harder it will be. Call me on my cell if you need me. I should be up to all hours of the night. See you tomorrow.

Sigh. It's raining, how stoic.

I don't really care this time, about Calhoun. Hell, I knew that was coming judging by the other marks and comments she's made on my papers. But, say we get that Poe essay back and I get a big goose-egg...

See, that's a problem. If I do get a zippo I'm probably going to go off on her, and they's just ain't no gray area in that respect. Actually, I'll probably puss out and sit there and whine about it and get red faced and have Julian sitting there going, "Well it doesn't sound like you, blah blah blah, let me talk out of my ass cuz I think I know what you write like." That little fucking fuck. That pissed me off more than anything. Thanks for the coverage, Linds. I was so pissed off I forgot to come up with that reasonable and obvious defense that would have made me feel a little better despite Julian's chiding.

Damn it. Two deep breaths, c'mon you assclown hypnosis tape, do your magic.

I guess that's the one, then? I'm Just A Bastard and Chained and New Dawn and So Low, that great pop song (that I deleted)?!?

I'm Just A Bastard by Stranglebox

I am what I am
And that's a bundle of faults
I can't really explain
But what the hell, after all?
I'm trying to laugh
While I'm fucking up again
I'm laughing so hard,
I'm killing myself within
I'm trying to tell you
That that's not what I meant
So now that you know
Can we just up and forget?
I'm yelling so loud
I beat my face in a mirror
It's fucked up I know
But now it's getting so clear

I'm a bastard and I know it
I'm just sardonic, brazen, sugar-coated
Um, so what? "Fuck it" psycho-focus
My life is over, concerned?
You're duly noted again

I drink too much caffeine
And I don't pay any mind
I'm move way too slow
I'm always second in line
In times feeling down
I'd be the last one you'd call
I'm fucked up and boring
Scabby knees so I crawl
I'm hating myself
For every second I breathe
I'm trying to tell you
Can't you fucking believe?
You never would know it
Til the time came to be
I'm going to blow it
Then you'll see the real me

Chorus

Wait!!!111

Chorus to fade

Badass. I like that song a lot.

Chained by Stranglebox

Tell me, you said
And where do I begin
Guilty? Hell yeah
But who's to call it a sin
Filthy past tense defines
What I call self
So kill me, cuz I can't
Ever make this well
It's not that swell

I'm sorry, I can't explain
I'm sorry, I didn't say that
I'm sorry, but I'm all chained and
I am a fake and this is a waste

No more, no more I can't take it
No more, no more I can't

Window portents
The outside looking in
It makes no sense
But circles start to fin
Timely forceps have
Pulled this skin aside
Bangs on, doorsteps
And now I cannot hide
It's do or die

Chorus

No more, no more...
Solo

Nomorenomore...

Chorus

These songs are really repetetive, non?

Painpainted by Stranglebox

I have said a thousand times
That everything is going fine
Everyone's so fucking nice
And all good, no between the lines
So I have lied to make you reach
And pull the darker part of me
I don't know much, but this I know
It's time that I was letting go

They force my head below the ground
I scream in pain, they let me drown

My gray world is so
Far gone, I don't know
Pain paints all I've found
(Just like the rest, the next brings me)
Down

I have tried a thousand times
To tell you that it's quite alright
And all the while the parasites are
Eating from my fucking mind
So I will sit and bang my head
And hit til me or them are dead
I hate the way you've hurt me so
And why you do I'll never know

They saw me open and let me bleed
I scream, the pain sweeps over me

Chorus

My colour scheme is pain
(All the world is black and gray)

If I could take it all back
To the second that you
Snapped me in half
I wouldn't waste another second
Facing any of that
I know it's not right
And I know it's not fair
Blinded, walking through the shadows
Razors, fire, and blank despair
I wonder when all the abuses
Became commonplace
The painpainted memories are never
Leaving a trace of you resentment
Or of your hostility
Congratulations on the kill,
And now we leave him to bleed

They're closing in, I can't escape
They're closing hands around my face
I whisper soft so not to breathe
Such pain, to death they strangle me
(x 2)

Chorus x 2

It all brings me down

And that one is considered our heaviest nombre...I love it.

And more latré, bcuz my faingers be ti-red and I'm not sure which ones to put, really. Look, I didn't split an infinitive. Take that, Calhoun.

Sure, more songs would be great. Like the ones from the demo Abby gave me??

Heheh, perhaps. JD (my teacher) took away the snake I was using to record with...not a real snake...and so I'm sort of in the dark. And what, with no drummer. I sort of gave up on the musician thing for a while, but Nick Bruey is out of band now and is going to help me record...'haps he will join?, or Alex will be motivated?

And you "typoed" a typo. Fascinating!

SURELY I SHALL! Now...I don't know which CDs you have. Abby has a copy of "the demo" that we sort of changed since then, so if you have that one, then I could post those. I could anyway if you get a copy, since I delete a lot of them that I just don't think I'm meant to do yet. But...

THE CLASSICS:

I'm thinking Broken Me, and Little Rhyme and My Solution...what else was there? Close My Eyes?!? Those four right quick.

Broken Me by Stranglebox

All wrong, I know this ain't the right way
Playing ping-pong, I am the toy of my fate
I shoulda known that it all would come back around
I wasn't thinking, and all the sudden I'm down
I'm like a fly trapped on a field full of glue
My brain is ransacked, all telling me what to do
I'll never hear you, never ever again
I'll make these words true
As soon as I put down this pen

Hey hey, see me in between
See this twisted dream, it's just a seam
Of what I might have been
Hey hey, you're a broken lie
To you it don't seem right
To waste another day, it seems
So loose the broken me who bleeds

So long, I couldn't take anymore
I guess I got strong, and I walked right out the door
You'll never hear me, but you know I'll never care
I had a vision, selfish, you blew it like air
I'm just so tired, don't wanna do this again
It's uninspired, but I loved losing my head
I'm going out there, I'm falling into the trap
Nothing left to share
And it came to the point that I snapped

Chorus

Something has hit me and I'll never be the same (2x)
Bleed me out

Chorus x 2

WHEE!!! I had fun recording that one.

Little Rhyme by Stranglebox

Father father, where'd you go?
Calling out to no one
Empty, sullen, all alone
Mercy to my mission
Brother brother, moaning low
Living ruination
Crying crying, time is slow
Sleep in devastation

So I pray you'll be alright
Cuz all my other prayers have died
And I hope you'll turn out right
Since you've been otherwise denied
Now I say my little rhyme
Little comfort passing time
Cuz you had every right to lie
And for that I'll say goodbye

Mother mother, no one knows
Just how deep this chasm
Sunder pluder, I did so
I've produced this spasm
Sister sister, I'd forego
Anything to save me
Killed it killed it, bloody clothes
Falsity depraves me

Chorus

and the Interlude

Chorus

Whee!! Alex played the drums on that one! That was the only one, out of all of these. And the next one...nobody's really heard the real version...except for Rosie cuz she was there when we did the talent show tryout. I lost the CDs. The only place it is anymore is on my computer upstairs safely tucked away in the harddrive. So you'd have to go there if you wanted to listen to it. And it SUCKS! So yes.

My Solution by Stranglebox

Asylum was the answer
They opened doors and let me in
And told me time was not unmaking
They told me I could finally win
I seek now, retribution
Raised my eyes and soon I saw
The steel and lonesome of my prison
Bang my head against the stone cold floor

Now that there is no good escape
Now that there's nothing more than just
Walking far away
Now that there is no level plane
My solution, sell my soul to the end and
Fade me away

Silence, now my reason, I sat alone inside myself
I gave the all that I had in me
They stole my life and gave me hell
Addiction was the cancer
And God, the price I paid
And slowly dying, I surrendered
My poisoined soul as it fades to gray

Chorus

Chorus x 2
Now that I've laid my life to waste
My solution, sell my soul to the end and fade me away
My solution, I'm gonna find out the only way to escape
And my solution, that I break free from this cage

I haven't heard that song in a long time. And now, my personal favourite...well except for these two new ones but none of you have heard them yet, and they pretty much are not done. So...

Close My Eyes by Stranglebox (surprised?)

Hey you there, are you listening?
I won't be ignored again
Outside here it's a lonely place, and I'm
Trying to figure out how this began

I'm apart and struck at the heart
The whole world hears my cries
And you thieved to the point of deceit
But if you care, please close my eyes
Another down, my pain is renowned
The thorn is in my side
Hollow feats make a man of the meek
And if you care, please close my eyes

Hey, I'm here and I'm thinking about
Why I never went away
I'm still trying hard to live without
You're sweet touch within my brain

Chorus

Sololudethingy

Chorus, repeat the last line a few times, voila.

And more to come if wanted!

erps I mean Jaoh...so I typoed a typo...erm ok.
So I think it's time for another demo hint hint*

Can you post some of your other lyrics too, like especially to the cult classics like the ones from your first cd? Please please please? Just when you get around to it, you know. When you're bored or whatever.

Excellent you ask, Rosie Jiang. Here is the song, a nice little "let's make fun of myself" ballad, called

Cynical Sarcastic by Stranglebox (it's been a while, hasn't it?!?)

I got pissed off so I wrote this song
There's no new words so sing along
Can you say "fuck"? Can you scream real loud?
Cuz if you can do that, then you know just how
Grandma's in the kitchen makin' s'ghetti and meatballs
A little Taiwanese kid just learned how to fly
And everybody's story is a story to beat all
So here comes the chorus, and you can't beat mine

Half-past the cynical, borderline sarcastic
Welcome to the chorus where it all comes back
Maybe feign political, really self-slapstick
This doesn't make sense, but you already knew that

So here goes the part where I first say "fuck"
But if you've already heard us, then fuck stuff
I don't have another Top 40 coming up any time
And it's by the grace of God that I can even still rhyme
Every motherfucker hearing "fuck", and going crazy
I bet you'd fucking like it if I yelled some fucking more
This might be the fucking greatest you've heard maybe
But all I fuckin' know's, it's making my throat sore

Chorus

The End! And another. Ok, so the song is called Braincells (I Wanna Sniff Glue), but it isn't about sniffing glue...even tho it actually comes out and says that. It's more about wanting to be killed and stay a kid than to grow up and be everyone's bitch, and glue is the proposed remedy.

When last I checked, "fuck" was used very interestingly in this song, and without frugality. It's another pop-punk song, hence the excessive use of "fuck" and other four-letters. So lessgo!! w00tw00t!!!111oneone

Braincells (I Wanna Sniff Glue) by Stranglebox

You tell me I am gonna be
A really big star if I can be
A superman, everything and more
Than I am
All society has pressured me
To go and take a stand
Where I cannot
I make a lot of mistakes
And more than half the time
I'm on a repeat anyways
I'm not gonna learn a stupid motherfucking thing
So would you please shut the fuck up
And go the fuck away

You have told me a thousand times
But I never really seem to change
I haven't got a reason or rhyme
Cuz all I fucking feel is shame
So let's cut the bullshit and get to the heart
And that way we can find a real place to start
Yeah, I don't really know about a thing you do
Cuz all's I really fuckin' know is:
I wanna sniff glue
(Hooah!!)

You talk about how great I am
When I'm watching it
So would you understand when I
Say that I can't take anymore
The teams ain't fucking fair
And I'm the one with the losing score
Gonna kill me a bunch 'o braincells
Cuz all the bullshit that was simple's
On a downslide to hell
It's ok if I am only talking about
Fucking up, but when I do it
Then it's time to throw me out

Chorus
Lude
Chorus
Yeah, I don't really know
But hell if anybody knew
Cuz all I really fuckin' know is:
I wanna sniff glue
(YEEAAAAH!!!)

That stuff after the chorus in parenthesis is really in the song, it's a great one!!! This is the ultimate "Fuck conformity!!!" Anthem right here.

Hmm...looking thru Ye Olde Booke Ofe Notese, I want to post a more serious one. I've written a thousand since I started in on the demos. With such titles as Norm Bakerton the Monkey Shit Shoveller, Cacophony, Churn, Grave (which is actually going on the demo once we get it all down pat.....IF we do), and...Slump. I might as well.

It might take some thinking to figure out the last line of the chorus...sort of open to interpretation, but I'm sure you all could get something out of it.

Slump by Stranglebox

I woke up early
Saturday morning smelled like rain and
Feeling blown and surly
I thought tomorrow would hurt like hell
I hope that I'm not right.....as I open my eyes

I took my time
I drank a Coke and swallowed memories
I lost the rhyme
The reason soon thereafter followed
I sink into a wall.....you're up, but nature says you fall

Oh, it wasn't right, I wish
I knew half the time, I'm just
Stupid, slumped, and fried, and I
Could use some new life, because
After all's not all...
And after all's not all

I waited outside
Cold as hell the street was frozen
I smiled as it shined
And knew how quick it'd kill me
If I gave it one quick try.....cuz it only lives to die

The drive was cold, it was
6 PM, December 21
And ten more days, I know
Will be a new year, this has been
The worst one of my life.....it sucks, but it burns to go outside

Oh, it wasn't right, I wish
I knew half the time, I'm just
Stupid, slumped, and fried, and I
Could use a new life, because
After all's not all...
And after all's not all

(little 'lude)

Oh it wasn't right, I wish
I knew half the tiem, I'm just
Stupid, slumped, and fried, and I
Could use a new life, because
After all's not all...
And after all's not all
(repeat)

I've become a really odd songwriter lately. I don't write in any given time period (granted, Slump), I just write a whole lot of really really bipolar stuff. Sigh...sometimes it sucks to be on the craaazy side of the lefty fence.

And by the way...Jsoh? Can that even be pronounced?

Erm Jsoh....i need the one to cynical sarcastic!

Dudes.

I wrote the two coolest songs today...they're called Slump and Cynical Sarcastic. The first one is a serious one, and the other one is a fake punk song making fun of all the other songs I've ever written, and myself for that matter. I need to go get the lyrics to that one and post them. Slump is just cool because of how Nirvana it sounds, not that it's anything special.

But I just thought I would say that because saying stuff is cool.

It total eclipsed before it turned red. Man, was that slick as hell.

Yes, pourquoi is daddy dearest un "prick"?

I saw the red moon....what eclipse? and yes it was awesome...the redness

Welcome back! Very cool eclipse. MC is Mary Catherine. I think I would have kept the Mary Katherine. Why is daddy dearest a prick?

Did everybody see the red moon?!? Or the eclipse?!? Wasn't it awesome (if your last answer is yes)?!?

I have returned! My arteries are looking pretty holy as well, at this point. And I'm talkin' like a dayum redneck. Dayumit.

MC is the girl that took Abby's part. MC is therefore an evil bitch :). What kind of letter combination is MC for a name, anyway?!?

Cough cough. Ahh, I see a white light...it's so bright and warm...*heart attack*