Oh PIMP!! This is so great! Now we can change colours and everything. And here I was about to make a depressing post and this cheered me up just a bit. So I guess for a minute here I'll be going on about how great this is...and it is. Ok, done. Let's change back to black and have done with it, then.
Alright. So after having a day that pretty much was a mania, I find it no surprise that I've come to hit rock bottom. But I guess all the wonderful training has paid off. I guess...rather than letting it eat me up, I can just feel it, instead. But man, is it god-awful. I feel at times like this that something is about to kill my brain. Not me, just my brain. It's as if there's something very real to be feared right here that will definitely torture and kill my living thoughts. I have come to know what it is through the last couple of months, and this is why I am able to deal with it.
I guess I'll make a long post short. Right now, I'm thinking about my grandparents. Today, for the first time, I heard about my grandmother's first husband, Carl. He was a paranoid schizophrenic if ever there was one. Anyway, my grandmother can tell a story, and she doesn't even have to DO much. But all the same, she did, and it scared the living hell out of me. She told me the way it came to pass, how he began to fear everyone and everything, how he forgot what, who, where, and how he was, everything along those lines. I had never known any of this.
Anyway, I guess the thing that kills me most is that she and Carl were helpless romantics when they met. That story has stuck with me, and every time I've thought about it since, I can't help but see me in that position, completely lost my mind, destroying everything I once knew and loved. I know it's EMO poetic, but I can see myself. Schizophrenia scares me enough as is, just thinking about the nature of it, but even worse: to see myself in it. And it doesn't help to be thinking This is Not The X-Ray Room by Clearing Autumn Skies over and over again: that song sounds like schizo, yeall need to hear it to know what I mean. Augh. It's killing me, and yet, it's not. It's really complicated. Anyway, it's not the "o god put me away" sort of depressed...mayhaps something IS getting better?!? Stay tuned to find out.
Peace.
Alright. So after having a day that pretty much was a mania, I find it no surprise that I've come to hit rock bottom. But I guess all the wonderful training has paid off. I guess...rather than letting it eat me up, I can just feel it, instead. But man, is it god-awful. I feel at times like this that something is about to kill my brain. Not me, just my brain. It's as if there's something very real to be feared right here that will definitely torture and kill my living thoughts. I have come to know what it is through the last couple of months, and this is why I am able to deal with it.
I guess I'll make a long post short. Right now, I'm thinking about my grandparents. Today, for the first time, I heard about my grandmother's first husband, Carl. He was a paranoid schizophrenic if ever there was one. Anyway, my grandmother can tell a story, and she doesn't even have to DO much. But all the same, she did, and it scared the living hell out of me. She told me the way it came to pass, how he began to fear everyone and everything, how he forgot what, who, where, and how he was, everything along those lines. I had never known any of this.
Anyway, I guess the thing that kills me most is that she and Carl were helpless romantics when they met. That story has stuck with me, and every time I've thought about it since, I can't help but see me in that position, completely lost my mind, destroying everything I once knew and loved. I know it's EMO poetic, but I can see myself. Schizophrenia scares me enough as is, just thinking about the nature of it, but even worse: to see myself in it. And it doesn't help to be thinking This is Not The X-Ray Room by Clearing Autumn Skies over and over again: that song sounds like schizo, yeall need to hear it to know what I mean. Augh. It's killing me, and yet, it's not. It's really complicated. Anyway, it's not the "o god put me away" sort of depressed...mayhaps something IS getting better?!? Stay tuned to find out.
Peace.
