Well, ok. If you really want to complicate things like that, geez. I believe that smartness is, in fact, a word. And if it isn't, now it is, officially certified by me, at least on this BLog, and here, I have the absolute authority as such. So hereby, smartness is now an official word and shall be used as much as possible. thank you for your time, please go and enjoy the smartness of the rest of your day

Heh. I'm a retard. I'm also caffeinated, and tired, and hungry, which would make me a caffetirehungretard. That's a word now, too, but nobody has to use it. I just sort of made it up because I was being retarded. And I really am trying to live up to my word potential.

Oh man, I just got struck with some EMO, I really wanted someone here a second ago. Mmh. Let me tell you about this person.

Did you ever know anyone that just defined the better parts of you by being themselves? I know someone like that. This person is like the best thing you've ever tasted and you can't get enough of...maybe a more abstract example, but it's like having a really bad itch, then scratching it: there's some really massive relief after the fact, this person is like that relief. A feeling of comfort, a constant source of joy and appreciation, a friend without limits to the bitter end and beyond, in the way that you'd really like to tell people about but you just can't describe, someone who you'd call on for anything because they'd call on you for all the same reasons. Someone who knows how you bleed and shares in it somehow everytime you do, not just sitting there and telling you to let it slide, that life's tough, whatever. It's a person that could say all the same right things anyone else could say, and yet, the way this person says them, they're just that much better. It's a person you would be happy to stand up and defend if all the world would fall on you if you did, the kind you would take a bullet for, an army's load of bullets if it came down to it, it's someone that would and has held my hand through everything that's happened for years now, that gave me a reason and a want to understand, that made me believe that I am something to someone, that still inspires me to remember the beautiful things in life, to remember that there is still love even when the world seems filled with black, that can pull me from the clutches of my very own ever-fucking prison if only for a while and remind me that they're still here, they're standing at the bars just outside, waiting when I'm ready to come out again. This person is life, this person is one I would lay down my very waking life for if only for five minutes with them.

I think the person whom (gram?) this is for will know it. I really thought of you a second ago, and you really just inspired me to type this down...I wanted you to know that I'm thinking about you, and I thank you for everything that you mean, and everything that you've done and will do. My heart will always save the greatest place for you.

Yes, please leave the child-bearing to me. I think I might be able to handle it a bit better. Probably not well, but better.

Don't worry about the car- it would have only been worth guilting over if you had hit it, and even then, not really. A car is not some unfixable thing, that's why God made mechanics.

I know I wouldn't want to live forever unless there were somebody from the "early years" (that I actually liked) that was there to live it out with me. Even then, it would be hard- seeing everyone you love die can't be too much fun. And try explaining it to people, that would be interesting. Heh, love the irony in this. A month ago I wasn't sure I wanted to live until the next day and now I'm thinking about living forever. Oh well.

Jane's a smart person, so everyone should listen to her. She kicked me out of therapy, thought, but I guess that just proves her smartness. I don't think that's a word.

Yeah, I'm currently attempting to apply to colleges, so my brain is very much fried.

Ok kids. So if you could live indefinitely, with the only harm to your longevity coming from external influences (i.e.: getting run down by a rhino herd, per se), would you do it? And if so, for what reasons? Sean Landis posed this question in his Xanga, and I decided to answer it. I really don't know if I would.

On one hand: you do get to watch the progress of human history, which is very cool in itself. You can actually find out if you were right about what's going to send the world to hell. You get to indulge all the new technology, hell, probably see space farther than our generation will ever know (most likely, and Steven Hawking is a douche, all of you that believe him are pseudo-intellectual pussies, and I bet half of you don't know what the bloody fuck he's talking about in the first place. Don't spout off his rhetoric, give me some of your own fucking proof, assholes...just had to get that out), basically, you get to live the stuff we can only dream about now. That would be super-awesome.

But then the bad. Well, first of all, I would have to live with being a bipolar for the rest of eternity, which is always fucking awful in general. Of course, that doesn't apply to everyone, so yar. But secondly, I would leave behind all of my friends, family, those that I love. I don't think I could really handle it...I don't think the rest of you could, either, could you? If you say yes, you have no soul, what the hell are you doing on this BLog you homewrecker? And if you say no, haha, you codependent, totally non-self-reliant, tagalong. I AM JUST KIDDING! Really. I'm seriously codependent, so there. Like, really. Sometimes it hurts. I guess that's what codependency is all about. But whatever.

Hmm...so the answer in my case would have to be no. Fuck living forever, that would suck. And if I had to, I would just go ahead and rope myself, since that would work, per this example. Egh.

HEY ROSIE! My therapist said something the other day that was quite interesting. She said: "If they're (the Phil triad, in this case) still fighting after this long a time, they're just doing it because they like it." Would you consider this to be valid? I would, actually. But, eh, it's not my big issue, and you have your own brain. We're (me, Linds, Becca, Philip) going out to eat tomorrow night. I haven't talked to any of ye'all in quite a while, so I'll see through them how everything is going, I guess.

It's tea time biotch! Actually no, that was five minutes ago. I finished it long before this post. Eh, I give. I'm tired, this is ridiculous. If you actually read all this, be sure to tell me to have your children, I'm serious. This is a real feat.

Actually, Linds is the only one that actually reads all of this, so Linds: I'm having your children. Man, what a braintrip to read in the middle of a post. Well, the end of a post. Man, I'm getting sick of typing. But I thought I would just type this much because, eh: I can. Anyway Linds, anytime you're ready, you can just infuse me with your children. It'll suck and all for a while, I don't know if guys are equipped to circumvent morning sickness very well, or labor pains. Hell, we can't even do breathing exercises very great. I think that's normally why our jobs are so limited. By the way, I'm sorry I got so close to your car last night when we pulled in. Yeah, I know it wasn't a big deal, and here I am guilting about it. I seriously need some help.

Speaking of, I'm fucking done.

the end

Woohoo! Happy July Fools' Day! Perhaps a more coherent post later, I'm watching cool movies right about now.

I just found this button next to the Hyperlink one, so I'm testing it out. I guess we'll see what it does in a second, eh? Alright, then. You all have a good'un!

Heh, I'm glad you enjoyed yee Wonderfule Englishe (the two "e"s on "ye" are intentional: everything has an added "e"). I really didn't mean to type "behaviour" like I did, it just sort of came out and I kept it. I think I'll do that with all the cool words as such. Like...um. "Saviour" and "behaviour" and um...well. Fucke mee, Ie don'te knowe anye moree. At least at the moment. I'm sort'o'tee-red (read: tired). I just ate din-din. This is the first time I actually got to the computer in the last three or so days! YES! Or two, I'm not very sure. I don't think it really matters.

Sir William, I hope you're doing ok. It really sucks about your aunt. I wish I could do more for you, but 1) I really wouldn't know what to do, 2) you might not need it, and 3) I'm still a suicide kid. I probably shouldn't be cutting back on sociality this much (i.e.: just Linds :) but it's all good, thou'rt good company Miss Lindsey of Reid) but eh. I should really do what I feel like for a while. Hmm. That sounds really assholeish. I don't know, it's sort of against my nature to not want to help everyone. I guess it's a problem in itself. Well, that's not entirely true. Nobody really ever weighted me down with everything they got hit with. At least, consciously it didn't. What am I saying?! It's madness! I think it's time to go to bed. Har har.

Peace, my rockers.

I most definitely agree on both points.

1) Rosie, quit apologizing and do something about it. Apologies are no longer needed, and in fact are getting you absolutely nowhere.

Surprisingly enough, this isn't directed toward anyone. In fact, this is just kind of a rant. However, I do highly suggest that people read this. It's kind of a continuation/elaboration on Josh's post.

2) The unit SUCKS. If you go there without a reason to be in there, you'll come out with one. I think it'd be really funny to see any one of yall try to get into that unit- CRISIS would laugh their asses off. Trust me, yall are nowhere near depressed, I promise- and you really shouldn't want to be. I wouldn't wish all this on my worst enemy. It's pain like yall will never have to go through- it's not something to take lightly. I laugh every time one of you goes "I'm so depressed today," as if you know the meaning of the word. You really don't, and fortunately for you, you probably never will. At least I hope you won't.

But seriously, yall- come on. The unit is no picnic- you've never been any place like it and never want to be. This isn't some stunt for attention or whatever, and should never be used as one. This is real- I don't think some of you get that- this is REAL. These are our LIVES we are talking about here. This isn't something that is going to go away. We can't just snaap our fingers and make it better- the hospital does not by any means, fix things. We didn't just wake up one morning and say, "hey, I think I'll be depressed and go to the hospital to get it fixed." It just doesn't work like that. This isn't some broken bone that the doctors can just magically heal. This is something that we might actually not get over. I hope to God that we will because I'm not sure how much more of this I can take. Point is, there is no guarantee that everything is going to be all hunky dory. This is something that takes work- it's harder than anything I've ever had to do in my entire life. We didn't come out of the hospital with all of our problems fixed, as some of you seem to think. We're not "back to normal." This is one of those things that changes your life, for better or for worse, but it has happened and we have to deal with that.

I'm not saying yall don't have problems- you do- but their not things that make you "depressed". Just because you are sad or disappointed for a couple of days does not make you depressed. Depression is something we will never be able to explain to you because you haven't been there.

I'm sorry if that makes you feel left out or on the outside or whatever. We're the ones on the outside here, and I promise you don't want to and probably can't join us. We appreciate your friendship and support, but we can't make you a big part of this, even if we wanted to. There are some things that truly are beyond comprehension. I really think this is the problem here- all of a sudden, we're in a whole different world from yall, and it's impossible for yall to join us here, try as you might. You can't make yourself depressed, and even if you could, I wouldn't suggest it. Even if we were to miraculously get better right now, we still wouldn't be able to rejoin your world, if for no other reason than we have experienced the other world. Really, I am sorry that we've left yall in this position, but it's not something we would have ever chosen for ourselves. But it has been chosen for us. Unfortunately, we can no longer lean on yall as much as we used to, by choice or not, so we're having to make up for it by leaning on each other. Yall are still our best friends, but you just have to understand- you can't always be there.

And Josh, I loved the British spelling. Nice touch.

I don't really know if you quite got it or not. We're really not looking for a lot of excuses for past behaviours, it sort of makes one look...dumb. Sort of putting on a face when it occurred to you to do it. Perhaps there's not a better time than the present, but had it happened before all this shit, we might have appreciated it better. All the same, it's alright.

What we're really looking for is your having no more reasons to need to apologize, I guess. Then again, it's about 1230 in the morning, and I'll have to go back and re-re-read your post.

Anyway, guys. A really quick word on summat. I don't, again, want to come off looking like a fuck for saying it, but if you really look at this, it's pretty sad. Case in point: DO NOT EVER USE THE UNIT AS A LITTLE GARNER FOR YOUR OWN ATTENTION. The unit is for people that really need it, and chances are, most of you are not. Yes, something like this did happen already, I'm just telling you all in advance. You may think you're having a bad day and it's a really bright idea to check yourself in at Vandy, but I'll tell you, 1) it's not, and 2) it's just fucking NOT, man. I can tell you, you'll really regret it. Having talked to all of you at length, I can't really judge you as "clinically depressed" even on your worst days. So please, don't use this to draw attention to yourself when you feel lacking of it.

This post was NOT directed at anyone specifically on here, so don't be offended :) it's just a warning. I hate the unit, but by god if people are going to use it to be selfish sons'a'bitches.